PUNXSUTAWNEY PHILIBUSTER

Yes, Groundhog Day has come around again, and this year Punxsutawney Phil "emerged from his lair and didn't see his shadow," and we all know what that means:

1.   It's impossible to see your shadow when you're surrounded by men in top hats.

2.  Poor Phil didn't "emerge" from anything.  The aforementioned men in formal wear scooped him out of a box by the scruff of the neck.

3.  He's a GROUNDHOG.  He doesn't have a neck scruff, and howinhell do we know what he saw?

4.  Phil is wrong.  I saw my shadow this morning, and that means there will be six more weeks (and four days) of winter, because:

5.  The sunshine that caused my shadow also illuminated my wall calendar, and despite all my other failings and informal pajamas, I can still do simple addition.