"GOD GRANT ME THE TEMERITY..."

To Alois Bell, pastor at Truth in the World Deliverance Ministries, who took exception to tipping her waitress 18 percent at Applebee's when she only gave God 10 percent. Pastor Bell complained to Applebee's when the receipt was published and went viral, and the waitress was fired.

Dear Pastor Bell:

Here are the top five reasons why tipping your waitress more than you tip God was, and always is, the right thing to do:

1.  Your waitress brings you everything you ask for, every time you ask for it.  God's record on such requests and accommodations is about 50 percent, if you're lucky.

2.  Your waitress is pleasant to you even when she's dog-tired and feeling shitty.  When God's having a bad day, He's liable to run your car into a tree and/or flatten your house with a twister.

3.  Your waitress depends on her tips to make anywhere near a living wage.  God doesn't need the money; your church does.  But, amazingly, you and your ilk have convinced your subscribers that the road to Heaven has a toll booth on your front door.  A-Plus for marketing; F-Minus for "Christianity."

4.  Your waitress has to pay property taxes.  God can write-off 100 percent of your 10 percent for His digs.

5.  Wait ... Uh-oh ... I'm getting a message from God:

 "TELL MS. BELL THAT IF SHE CAN'T GIVE HER WAITRESS THE GOING RATE FOR A TIP WITHOUT BITCHING, SHE CAN EITHER HOCK THOSE GOLDEN CANDLESTICKS OR GROW HER OWN FOOD.  AND, OH YEAH, TELL HER THAT APPLEBEE'S IS HIRING, AND SHE CAN EITHER START SLINGING HASH OR I'VE GOT A GOOD DROUGHT OR TWO UP MY SLEEVE.  MEANWHILE, MAKE MINE OVER EASY."