Minnesota Fats once said: “I don’t
have to exaggerate; ain’t noboby gonna believe it, anyhow.”
Because there are so many
“satirical” news sites out there spoofing the news, and because so much of
today’s real news presents as too strange or outrageous to be true, it’s made
this humor columnist’s lot nearly impossible. It’s hard to make something
serious funny (my job), when it’s already funny without any help from me.
We’re all going lickety-split down
the information highway with so many ways to receive and share information
these days, but I’m not sure that I always want to know everything that’s going
on out there every minute. Yes, I do enjoy keeping up with what’s happening in
the world hither and yon, but there are times I regret turning on this social
network or tuning in to that news media.
Take today,
for example. Here are some newsbits that I could’ve lived without. Unfortunately, now, neither can’t you.
Ready?
“Kindergarten
Graduation Brawl Breaks Out In Cleveland.”
(I warned
you.)
Yes, it seems that some fruit punch
was spilled near the dais during the ceremony, and this prompted a melee. We
can only be comforted, according to Cleveland’s police Commander Wayne
Drummond, that “you had adults fighting adults, juvies fighting juvies, and so
forth.”
That’s a relief. At first glance, I
imagined that a flash mob of Nerfbat-wielding tots had suddenly run amok
against their parental units in a Lilliputian frenzy. Before it was over, there
were multiple arrests made for “aggravated rioting” (can you have an
unaggravated riot?), and ten police cars were dispatched to the scene. City
Councilman Jeff Johnson said that it was “embarrassing that parents during a
kindergarten promotion cannot control themselves.”
Embarrassing?
No. Embarrassing is when, with everyone inside
watching, we repeatedly push on a convenience store door that says pull. But,
hurling punch and punches at your child’s first cap and gowning goes beyond
feeling red-faced, and when the Great Cleveland PTA Tumult inevitably erupts
this fall, we’d rather not know about it. Next up:
“Loose
Llama Subdued With Taser.”
I suppose
it had to come to this eventually, and it did recently in Tallahassee, Florida.
The runaway llama’s name was “Scooter” (that should’ve been a tip-off right
there), and it took six police officers to run him down, zap him, and bring him
to justice.
He was
tasered because “llamas don’t respond well to voice commands,” said police Lt.
Tony Drzewiecki.
I didn’t
need that last bit of information, because even though I’m now armed with it, I
know that I’ll still instinctively yell “Get out of here, you crazy llama!” if
a llama on the lam shows up in my vegetable garden.
BONUS NEWS: As I read the above story, another one
appeared, and we can only hope they’re not related. I’m not kidding: “Four
Llamas Involved In I-75 Car Crash.” Now, were they driving? Were they drunk? I
don’t know, because I had to stop reading. I’m not sure that I could’ve handled
tasered and breathalyzed llamas on the same day.
I was
hoping that further research wouldn’t produce more items that you didn’t want
or need to know, but alas, they kept on coming. I’m confident that you’d have
otherwise been just fine today without discovering that the town of Wildwood,
New Jersey is preparing to pass a “Saggy Pants Ban” on its boardwalks, unless
you’re including Wildwood in your summer vacation getaway plans. If you are,
tighten your belts.
Or, I’m
sure that your daily routine would’ve gone on unchecked if you’d gone on
uninformed about a young man who has just been declared “The World’s Fastest
Clapper,” slapping his hands together 802 times in one minute. I watched the
video (no sacrifice too great for this readership) and that’s a minute of my
life I’ll never get back, but you’re welcome.
Lastly,
I’ve no doubt that you’d have had a hunky-dory day without now being aware that
566 Sears employees recently set a Guinness world record for being “The Most
People Assembled In One Place Dressed As Superman.”
Look! Up in
the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a wonder that Sears was open for
business!
And, it’s
something we wish we didn’t know.
* * * * *
Senior Wire News Service syndicated humor columnist B. Elwin
Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH, as if you didn’t need to know that. Copyright
2013, all rights reserved. Used here with permission.