PRESS THREE FOR SHHH!

    SO, THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY, turns out, has been monitoring my phone calls for some time now? I'm imagining and pitying the bottom level agent sitting in a windowless room, thwacking his head and questioning his own existence after suffering through 30 minutes of listening to me being put on hold 5 times and arguing with the utility company about a billing error.
   
   Have at it, Uncle Sam.

(CONFIDENTIAL TO THE NSA:  When you get to that recorded phone conversation I had with a friend where I was talking about a "hostile takeover" and the "ugly fuzz", I was referring to a 3-month old eggplant Parmesan leftover in my refrigerator that I forgot was there, not the government and the police. Have a nice day.)