First up,
the Bunny Ear Salad Servers. These are (floatable) plastic simulated bunny ears.
Apparently, you stick them into a simulated grass pattern-decorated plastic salad
bowl (sold separately) to help get you into the mood to munch, and “now even
the kids will want their greens!” It’s not likely, after you’ve traumatized
them into thinking you’ve buried the Easter bunny alive in the radicchio.
(HUMORIST’S
NOTE: Some of these Chinese-made items are shipped from the United Kingdom. This
means that we live on a planet where petroleum-based rabbit ear utensils first
go around the world before they ultimately land on the “Free!” desperation tables
at next summer’s yard sales in America.)
A moment of
silence and season’s greetings, please, for the sea captains out there
separately shipping a few tons of plastic salad bowls.
Next, the
Cat-A-Pencil. This is a working pencil. For my younger readers, a pencil was a
writing instrument that you chewed until suffering gum slivers, eraser-head tartar
and lead poisoning. The Cat-A-Pencil is shaped like, I’m not kidding, a
slingshot, and is “not suitable for children,” yet the description also adds
that it’s “perfect for mischievous Monday morning office desktop fun after you’ve
finished doodling.”
There is so
much wrong with that statement. No one has pencil-doodled for thirty years, and
the “mischievous Monday” is why it takes six to eight weeks for your
bunny ear salad fork order to be processed.
I’m only thinking
of Christmas day emergency rooms filling up with moms & dads presenting
with their children's puncture wounds:
“Uh … how’d
this happen?”
“My son winged
a plastic bunny ear into his sister’s ear with his pencil slingshot.” I see a
whole new branch of pediatric medicine in the works.
Next, the Re-usable
Hot Pants Hand Warmer.
Ah, nothing
says Christmas spirit and/or New Hampshire winter
weather to me better than designer underwear used to warm your hands, and I
looked at this one closely.
Wait. It
seems these are shaped like skivvies, but are NOT made to be worn as such. You
keep them in your coat pocket until needed, then take them out, “click the tab
inside,” and insert your hands. To re-use them you “simply pop in a pan of
boiling water for a few minutes and allow to cool.”
I already
see the lawyers lining up on December 26th for these lawsuits, as someone is
surely going to forget the allow to cool part and ignore the no they’re not meant
to be WORN you idiot part. Emergency rooms, already jammed with ear
trauma cases, will fill up with an outbreak of groin burns.
There’s
little I can say about the Christmas Inflatable Fruitcake, designed to “repay
your Aunt Franny’s kindness” in sending you a real one, by giving her a (yes,
plastic) blow-up one. We can now add dear Aunt Franny’s choking on fake candied
raisins to the influx of speared ears and scalded crotches. These folks also score points for truth in advertising: "It's festive, it's traditional, and it's inedible -- just like the real thing!"
Lastly, my
favorite Christmas gift offering:
It’s plastic,
and comes packaged in enough plastic to open up another sea lane. The special
holiday sentiment it invokes is perfect, and it comes when you press the button
on the plastic brain-shaped remote control, and your Yuletide zombie “trudges
forward and groans.”
When it comes to Christmas gift shopping, we can relate.
* * * * *
Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, humorist and agony uncle columnist. His latest book is "Dear Witbones" -- Ask A Humorist!, now on Kindle and in paperback, from Curry Burn Press. You may contact him via his website at Witbones.com. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.
1 comment:
Thanks, El, for this complete list. This takes care of Christmas shopping for two brothers, one sister, and two friends with no taste.
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