Dear Driver’s Education Instructors:
It’s
been a long time since I first sat behind the wheel and sallied forth in Sally
(I named my first car “Sally” for reasons best left parked in history). A lot
has changed since then.
Motor
vehicle operators in this country have all gone crazy.
I know I
can’t hold you solely responsible for all the actions of America’s drivers, but
if we’re to get through this humor column, you must take part of the blame.
Let’s look at some of the driver’s
education topics covered in the classroom and in-vehicle sessions, and see if
we can find where things have gone wrong:
OPERATING A VEHICLE: This may be
the heart of the problem.
Everything now is automatic—doors,
windows, seat belts, lights, mirrors, trunks—and no keys, no cranks, no
handles. How am I supposed to tear open my bag of Cheez-Its without a car key?
What about jumpstarts? There was no
better way to meet strangers, when several of them would stop to help you shove
your clunker just enough to coast it back to life. And, you couldn’t beat jumpstarting as the
easiest way to run over yourself --- yet another fine character-builder lost to
progress.
How about ignitions? Cars should
not start by pushing a button. Cars should start when you turn a key, and with
another sub-zero winter upon us in this neck of the woods, they should not
start when you turn a key.
(Nostalgic humorist’s digression: I
remember using a rotary phone, inserting a finger into a numbered dialplate,
spinning it, and repeating the process. There was a circuitous, physical search
and the tactile beauty of a spring-loaded backspin. It took time. It took some
effort and deliberation. Life was a slow-tracking, soft-clicking whirling wheel
of anticipation and measured symmetry. Sigh.)
Today we have skid-control,
satellite tracking and navigation systems, which have removed the fun &
disciplines of knowing when not to apply the brakes, how to fix our own flat
tires, and the origami skills needed to accordion-fold a road map and figure
out how we didn’t arrive where we aren’t.
And I don’t need or want my car
talking to me, especially in a human voice. If I can’t avoid this with the
automobiles of today, then I want to choose the voice (Eeyore will do nicely),
and I want it interactive, joining me in my futility:
“End of the road approaching,
Elwin. No hope of getting where you’re
going.”
“Then, should I turn right now?”
“You could turn right here left, or
turn right here right. It doesn’t matter. You’re lost.”
I would love this, because I’ve had
some of my best motoring adventures when I didn’t have a clue where I was,
where I was going, and I couldn’t be globally positioned from space.
And I still pine for those heady
beep-less days, when my car didn’t make an audible alarm if I didn’t shut the
door or buckle-up or turn off my lights or remove the key that I no longer
needed.
SAFE DRIVING HABITS: You’re charged with helping our young drivers
to form driving behaviors that will keep them and the rest of us safe on the
road.
I can’t believe that this
instruction includes how to signal right while turning left. Or, signaling and
not turning. Or, turning and not signaling. Or, not signaling, not turning, but
just stopping suddenly to look at a moose.
Or, as I’ve noticed lately on the
interstate, to always drive like your car’s on fire and the only way to
extinguish the flames is to go whizzing by me like I was going the other way.
Please, work on it. There are too
many of your graduates out here who apparently slept through the turn &
burn classes.
TRAFFIC LAWS AND VIOLATIONS: This
is a real challenge, because not all driving landscapes are alike, and the
rules of the road must be adjusted accordingly. We all know about the
Massachusetts law that prohibits you from driving with a gorilla in the back
seat, but I’ve just learned that it’s illegal in New York to disrobe in a car,
and in Florida, if you leave your elephant parked on the street, you must still
feed the meter.
I beg you to include these in your
lesson plans, and teach your students how to lawfully curb a pachyderm and keep
their pet gorillas fully-clothed up front where they belong.
Yesterday, I saw a sign on one of
your driver’s ed vehicles: “Student drivers make mistakes. Please leave us a little room.”
As a driver now automatically
shifting to manual, I’m hoping it’s a room with a better view.
* * * * *
Senior Wire News Service syndicated humor columnist B. Elwin
Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. His new book, “Walk Tall And Carry A BigWatering Can,” is now available. You may
contact him via his blog at witbones.com. Copyright 2014. All rights reserved.
Used here with permission.
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