Another birthday, and I always mark the occasion by
reflecting on what was, what is, and what will be, with or without me. I do try
to avoid my literal reflection in the mirror, because I can’t get past the
feeling that I’m shaving my Dad’s face.
I started with what is, and had a look at the day’s
headlines. I knew this was a mistake when I quickly realized that I’d either
lived too long or not long enough, because I no longer felt shockable. I was especially
not shocked by any headline containing the word “shocking.” And, today, I found
four of them:
1. “The Shocking Truth About Nine Foods You Thought Were Vegetarian.”
I was right. I
read the story. I looked at the photos. I examined the evidence. I wasn’t
shocked.
True enough, I didn’t know that some bagels contained
duck feathers, or that marshmallows came from pig bones, or that certain beer
makers “clarified” their stouts with fish bladders. Yawn. We live in a country
where deep-fried butter-on-a-stick is a favorite at state fairs, so you’ll have
to do better than that.
2. “Meet The Shocking
Real-Life Barbie Doll.”
It seems that a young Ukrainian woman has made it her
life’s mission to re-shape herself, physically and mentally, into the iconic
doll’s image. I so wanted to be shocked when she also announced that her goal
is to become a “Breathairian” (someone who believes they can subsist solely on
light and air), and that she’s undergoing hypnotherapy sessions “to help me
become more brainless,” but I wasn’t.
(Humorist disclaimer: Right about here, it’s always
useful to remind you that I don’t have to invent this stuff. The easiest way to
write a humor column is to simply report the truth.)
3. “The Shocking
Evidence Of Alien Cow Abductions.”
Yes, there it is, with that viral video of a cow being
beamed up into a hidden spaceship from an English pasture.
Newsworthy, maybe even hilarious, but shocking? Hardly. Bovine
herders have been dealing with their beasts being skyjacked for some time now. Some
have taken to camouflaging the cattle with fake grass blankets or attaching
antlers to their heads in apparently futile attempts to thwart the
extraterrestrial cow-nappings.
Maybe it’s me, but I suspect that any little green beef-crazed
creatures capable of inter-galactic exploration wouldn’t be hoodwinked by phony
cow horns or artificial turf disguises. It’s also a fact that nearly four
million people in this country have reported being personally visited by space
travelers, but I can show you how that number closely relates to our Election
Day results, so just move along. Nothing to be shocked by here.
4. “Identity Theft
Is Shockingly High.”
Not only is this not shocking, but it’s even less
shocking that the billions lost in identity theft is offset by the billions we
spend protecting ourselves from identity theft.
I nipped this in the bud many birthdays ago, when my
credit card company called and tried to sell me identity theft protection
insurance. I told them: “Every day I hope that someone steals my identity. Then,
you can send them my bills.”
“Uh … that’s not the way it works, Mr. Sherman.”
“Mr. Sherman? You’ve got the wrong guy.”
Click.
As for my reflections on birthdays long past, I’m feeling
a bit nostalgic for my shockable boyhood years. I remember being shocked when I
was told that male seahorses gave birth. This was about the same time I was
shocked to learn that I’d been delivered here by Mother Pauline, not a stork
dropping me on the doorstep because she’d put chocolate on the windowsill.
Now, for the future? I am hoping that something,
somewhere, should I make it through another birthday or two, restores my
ability to be shocked, but I’m not optimistic.
I’ve just not been shocked again by reading that a South
Carolina man attempted to cash a trillion-dollar bill at a restaurant, an
elected self-described devout “Pastafarian” was sworn-in to his new post on the
Town Board in Pomfret, New York, while wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head,
and a Russian man stabbed his friend as they argued over whether poetry was
more important than prose.
I’m reserving my shock for when they’re all abducted by
an alien Barbie in a cow suit.
Ho-hum.
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Senior Wire News Service
syndicated humor columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. His new
book, “Walk Tall And Carry A Big Watering Can,” is now available. You may contact him via his blog here at
witbones.com. Copyright 2014. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.
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