"Dear Witbones -- Ask A Humorist!” is B. Elwin Sherman's agony uncle advice column for the laughlorn. Today's Witboner:
"Big Rhode Island Nibbles."
My wife and I are writing from Rhode Island, and we can tell you that we’re sick and tired of being the butt of “small” jokes. We love our state, we don’t FEEL small, and we want all this smalltalk to stop! --- BIGGER IN BARRINGTON
Dear BIGGER: Let’s help settle this once and for all. Firstly, any non-islandic state with an “island” in its name, already has more built-in grandeur than the rest of us combined. Start there. Rhode Island has more big-ness about it in many areas, and the next time you feel diminished by a “small” joke, fight back with some of these:
You have more doughnut/coffee shops per capita than any other state. That big fact alone already has me pondering relocation there. As a humorist, I couldn’t muse without my morning java & pastry, so I’d find inspiration knowing that a resource was always close by. I’ve also just learned that coffee milk is Rhode Island’s “official state drink.”
Now I’m practically packing my bags.
You’re also home to “Nibbles Woodaway,” known formerly as “The Big Blue Bug.” At 4,000 pounds and 58-feet long, it is easily the world’s largest termite, found on I-95 in Providence (Google it, folks). Take THAT, Texas! Go FISH, Florida!
And, if we’re talking proportions, your “Ocean State” has the largest coastline percentage of any state in the U.S., though you’ll never get California to admit it.
You may be the smallest in size, but you're the second most densely populated. Only New Jersey knows how to pack 'em in better than you, and ... well ... they're New Jersey.
Rhode Island also has more existing 100-year old homes than the rest of us, easily making you the king of local landmarks, and because of your little bigness, anyone staying in Rhode Island can visit your whole state in the least amount of time. That gives vacationing tourists more bangs for their rubbernecking bucks than they’ll get anywhere else, and with always a doughnut and coffee right around the corner.
Biggest in my book.
Stand tall! Be small!
Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.
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