"Dear Witbones" -- Ask A Humorist! is B. Elwin Sherman's agony uncle advice column for the laughlorn. Today's Witboner:
“I was going to write to ‘Dear Abby’ with my problem, but your name came up at a cocktail party by someone who swore that you helped her AND made her laugh. Right now I could use some of both, and here’s why: my boyfriend has just told me that he’s gay. I thought something was up because of how he’d been treating me lately (and NOT treating me) in bed. Now, is this my fault? I’ve always been there for him, in every way. What didn’t I do? What should I do now??? --- SEXLESS IN SWANSBORO
Dear SEXLESS: First, I’m flattered (and a little nervous) that I was the chit-chat subject at a party where people assemble to drink, but you didn’t mention what I allegedly did to help and amuse your friend. (Was she from Telluride? Did she have red hair and an old Volvo? Never mind.)
Next, your boyfriend’s sexual orientation is what it is because of who he is and what he does, not because of who you are and what you don’t do.
Let me try that again:
He isn’t what he isn’t because of who he isn’t and what he doesn’t do, not because of who you aren’t and what you do do.
One more time:
He’s gay. You’re not.
Okay … last attempt. Let's use food:
I don’t like Lima beans. I’ve never liked Lima beans. I don’t know why, and I’ve never worried about it.
I do, however, like peas. In fact, I love peas. I’ve always loved peas. I don’t know why, and I’ve never worried about it.
It’s just the way I’ve always lived with legumes, because most legumes are vegetables, but not all vegetables are legumes. You might start by living like food.Thanks for WITBONING, and please keep me posted.