Tuesday, January 27, 2015

"DEAR WITBONES" --- Does Your Wife Wear A Helmet?

"Dear Witbones -- Ask A Humorist!” is B. Elwin Sherman's agony uncle advice column for the laughlorn. Today's Witboner:
"Does Your Wife Wear A Helmet?" 
 
           
            DEAR WITBONES:
            I am about to become a remarried woman heading into my late middle-aged years. When I tell my friends and colleagues that they’ll need to update their address books and email files with my new last name after my wedding, I am frequently asked (and rather aggressively, too), "Why will you change your name?! You don’t have to do that, you know!" It’s really beginning to bother me. I have a hard time explaining it, and I’m tired of trying. Can you help me with a response?  --- NOM DE GROOM IN GRAFTON
           
            DEAR NOM: History is full of research on this subject, and your problem prompted me to look at some of it, discovering what is and has been lawful & traditional through the centuries and around the world.
            Well, I’m not going to get into any of that. You can Google “maiden name” and get the same 29,100,000 results that I did.  You’re clearly here looking for some quick & practical retorts for your cronies, and you’re in luck, because I too am “heading into my late middle-aged years” and have recently remarried.
            Before we wed, I non-aggressively asked Diane Lillian Church if she was planning to change her name.  I told her I was okay with whatever she decided. She said that she wanted to be Mrs. Sherman.  When I asked her why (again, without a hint of aggression), she said “because I want to be.”
            Now, I didn’t get this far in life without knowing when to stop priming the pump, so I let it be right there. But, I sense that this is the same response you’ve been giving your friends and colleagues, and it’s leaving you peeved and them unsatisfied.
            I’d be remiss in my agony uncle duty if I didn’t let you know that you do have other options besides a complete birth name surrender and a new designation. You could use your maiden name as your new middle name. Or, in nine states, your husband could change his last name to yours.  Or (my favorite) you could legally “blend” your names.
            If Diane and I had wanted, we could now be the Churchmans or the Shmurches, or we could’ve even anagrammed Church/Sherman and re-dubbed ourselves: Mr. & Mrs. Hunchcharmers.  We actually did discuss doing the latter, as a way to create exactly the kind of thing that you’re trying to avoid.  A little public and private spectacle on occasion is good for the soul:
            “Hunchcharmers?  Party of two?”
            Now, what to say to anyone who demands to know why you’re electing to drop your surname? How should you respond when they tell you that you don’t have to do that?  Hmmm ….
            When I’m out on the Harley pulled over somewhere, and someone inevitably makes it their business to know why I’m not wearing a helmet, I stare at them with as much mock shock as I can muster, and say, “You mean … they make HELMETS??”
            Try a variation of this with your contacts.
            Thanks for Witboning, Mrs. de Groom, and keep me posted.


* * * * *
Copyright 2015 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Questions for his agony uncle “WITBONES - Ask A Humorist!" column may be submitted to: WITBONES, c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 300, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin via this Witbones.com blog.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

"DEAR WITBONES" --- I Kid You Not

"Dear Witbones -- Ask A Humorist!” is B. Elwin Sherman's agony uncle advice column for the laughlorn. Today's Witboner:
"I Kid You Not." 
 
           
            DEAR WITBONES:
            My kids are all grown up but they won't leave home.  I've hinted and hinted that it's time for them to get out on their own, but they show no signs of moving.  I thought these would be my Golden Years, but I'm still shelling out money for gas, groceries, and I can never find my remote control.  What to do?--- OLD MOTHER HUBBARD IN HAZELWOOD

            DEAR OLD MOTHER: If you're in your "Golden Years," then your kids must still be living at home in their fifties.  I'm not surprised that you've lost your remote control, because that's obviously the only kind of control you've had for some time.
     If these middle-aging offspring haven't gotten the "hints" by now, they never will.  At this late date, it's time for radical  measures.  If you want them to change their lives, you must drastically change yours.  Suggestions?
     Stop buying groceries and remove your car battery.
     Start a naked tuba society and/or a bagpipes band and have nightly rehearsals at your home.
     When you write-in six months from now complaining that you never see your children anymore, we'll deal with it.
     Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.
.
* * * * *

Copyright 2015 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Questions for his agony uncle “WITBONES - Ask A Humorist!" column may be submitted to: WITBONES, c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 300, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin via this Witbones.com blog.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

"DEAR WITBONES" --- Civil Food Wars


             (Dear Witbones -- Ask A Humorist!” is B. Elwin Sherman's agony uncle advice column for the laughlorn. Today's Witboner:
 "Civil food wars." 
           
            DEAR WITBONES:
            My husband and I are visiting my old college roommate and her family over the winter holidays. They relocated to a southern state so we’re really appreciating spending part of December and January in a warmer climate. My one complaint is about the food.  We all grew up in New Hampshire, so you'd think she'd remember to prepare meals we are all familiar and comfortable with rather than these strange southern dishes! How can I gently suggest this to her before our next visit? --- NO APPETITE IN NEW ORLEANS

            DEAR NO APPETITE:  As a fellow Granite Stater, I've got to stop you right there and “gently suggest” that you pack up your attitude and come home.  If your old friend had wanted her life to remain “familiar and comfortable,” she wouldn't have given up corn chowda and Yankee Doodle Noodles for jambalaya and crawfish pie.
            You’re her guests.  You’re living on the cheap in a nice climate while I’m back up here chipping off my mustachicles with a spoon.  My advice?
          Be gracious, be grateful, quit whining and learn to love gumbo.
            Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

.
* * * * *

Copyright 2015 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Questions for his agony uncle “WITBONES - Ask A Humorist!" column may be submitted to: WITBONES, c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 300, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin via his Witbones.com blog.   

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015


May these be all you'll need in your wallet in 2015.

Happy New Year, all.

Buy more books,
     El

Sunday, November 9, 2014

SHIFTING TO MANUAL AUTOMATIC


Dear Driver’s Education Instructors:
               It’s been a long time since I first sat behind the wheel and sallied forth in Sally (I named my first car “Sally” for reasons best left parked in history). A lot has changed since then.
               Motor vehicle operators in this country have all gone crazy.
               I know I can’t hold you solely responsible for all the actions of America’s drivers, but if we’re to get through this humor column, you must take part of the blame.
Let’s look at some of the driver’s education topics covered in the classroom and in-vehicle sessions, and see if we can find where things have gone wrong:
OPERATING A VEHICLE: This may be the heart of the problem.
Everything now is automatic—doors, windows, seat belts, lights, mirrors, trunks—and no keys, no cranks, no handles. How am I supposed to tear open my bag of Cheez-Its without a car key?
What about jumpstarts? There was no better way to meet strangers, when several of them would stop to help you shove your clunker just enough to coast it back to life.  And, you couldn’t beat jumpstarting as the easiest way to run over yourself --- yet another fine character-builder lost to progress.
How about ignitions? Cars should not start by pushing a button. Cars should start when you turn a key, and with another sub-zero winter upon us in this neck of the woods, they should not start when you turn a key.
(Nostalgic humorist’s digression: I remember using a rotary phone, inserting a finger into a numbered dialplate, spinning it, and repeating the process. There was a circuitous, physical search and the tactile beauty of a spring-loaded backspin. It took time. It took some effort and deliberation. Life was a slow-tracking, soft-clicking whirling wheel of anticipation and measured symmetry. Sigh.)
Today we have skid-control, satellite tracking and navigation systems, which have removed the fun & disciplines of knowing when not to apply the brakes, how to fix our own flat tires, and the origami skills needed to accordion-fold a road map and figure out how we didn’t arrive where we aren’t.
And I don’t need or want my car talking to me, especially in a human voice. If I can’t avoid this with the automobiles of today, then I want to choose the voice (Eeyore will do nicely), and I want it interactive, joining me in my futility:
“End of the road approaching, Elwin.  No hope of getting where you’re going.”
“Then, should I turn right now?”
“You could turn right here left, or turn right here right. It doesn’t matter. You’re lost.”
I would love this, because I’ve had some of my best motoring adventures when I didn’t have a clue where I was, where I was going, and I couldn’t be globally positioned from space.
And I still pine for those heady beep-less days, when my car didn’t make an audible alarm if I didn’t shut the door or buckle-up or turn off my lights or remove the key that I no longer needed.
SAFE DRIVING HABITS:  You’re charged with helping our young drivers to form driving behaviors that will keep them and the rest of us safe on the road.
I can’t believe that this instruction includes how to signal right while turning left. Or, signaling and not turning. Or, turning and not signaling. Or, not signaling, not turning, but just stopping suddenly to look at a moose.
Or, as I’ve noticed lately on the interstate, to always drive like your car’s on fire and the only way to extinguish the flames is to go whizzing by me like I was going the other way.
Please, work on it. There are too many of your graduates out here who apparently slept through the turn & burn classes.
TRAFFIC LAWS AND VIOLATIONS: This is a real challenge, because not all driving landscapes are alike, and the rules of the road must be adjusted accordingly. We all know about the Massachusetts law that prohibits you from driving with a gorilla in the back seat, but I’ve just learned that it’s illegal in New York to disrobe in a car, and in Florida, if you leave your elephant parked on the street, you must still feed the meter.
I beg you to include these in your lesson plans, and teach your students how to lawfully curb a pachyderm and keep their pet gorillas fully-clothed up front where they belong.
Yesterday, I saw a sign on one of your driver’s ed vehicles: “Student drivers make mistakes.  Please leave us a little room.”
As a driver now automatically shifting to manual, I’m hoping it’s a room with a better view.

* * * * *
Senior Wire News Service syndicated humor columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. His new book, “Walk Tall And Carry A BigWatering Can,” is now available.  You may contact him via his blog at witbones.com. Copyright 2014. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

HALLOWEEN HITCHED AT RUNAWAY POND!

It is my distinct honor & pleasure to announce my marriage to Diane Lillian Church on October 31st at Runaway Pond in Glover, Vermont!

Yes, on Halloween.

Yes, at "Runaway Pond."

We could think of no better place -- at the site of what many consider Vermont's greatest (un)natural disaster -- to let loose our connubial bliss.

You may read all about the illustrious history of Runaway Pond, where a great man-made reshaping of the landscape and waterways took place in June of 1810.

Where better (and on the scariest day of the year) to form a marital partnership, than at a place where such a mighty upheaval occurred?

Perfect, said we.

We love us.  We trust that you will, too.

Elwin & Diane
---------

Wedding of Diane L. Church and B. Elwin Sherman
Oct 31, 2014
Runaway Pond Park


Welcome!

My name is Joan Alexander. I am one of the Justices of the Peace here in Glover, and I am honored to officiate at this marriage of Diane and Elwin. How cool to have chosen this wild, historic spot, the site of Runaway Pond, as the place for your wedding.

What a beautiful spot to choose, surrounded by hills and trees, in the dry bed of a pond that was here until just a little over 200 years ago. The history of the place makes it a very fitting place to start a marriage.  In fact, the story of the Runaway Pond if filled with tips for a newlywed couple.

Though this is the first wedding ever to be held here (that we know of!), it is not the first celebration. In 1810, about 60 men and boys gathered here on June Training Day, a holiday some of the early settlers had brought with them from New Hampshire. They had hatched a plan to use some of the water of this pond to power the grist and saw mill just north of here—the Barton River was just a trickle after a very dry summer the year before. If they dug a trench and allowed just a little of the two billion of gallons of water in Long Pond water to flow north, all would be well. The trail along the easterly ridge through the wilderness to get here,  at Long Pond was known to some of the men—there was already a raft here for fishing—but many from further away did not know the way, and they depended on the blasts of a tin horn to find their way.

Tip #1: When obstacles are presented, be resourceful, consider all options, and be creative. Don’t feel like you have to tackle problems alone.  Don’t hesitate to call on 60 of your closest friends to help.

The boys had fun fishing, and the men commenced the dig. By lunch time, they were done—they had dug the channel to Mud Pond, just to the north over the bank, leaving just a short piece between the north end of the lake and the beginning of the trench intact, to be dug after kicking back and enjoying their lunch.

Tip #2: Even when tasks surround you, stop and take time to appreciate each other, and the fellowship of family and friends. Don’t forget to eat, drink and be merry!

After lunch, it was back to work. The trench was completed, the water started flowing, and the job was done. The men cheered and congratulated each other, and one man hopped on a tree trunk that was flowing along with the new stream for a fun ride.

Tip #3: Celebrate life and your achievements! Never lose touch of the child in you.

But within minutes, things started to go south—though in this case, it was north. The little stream of water disappeared, and then started gushing out further below, not just trickling out. The soil beneath the hardpan they had worked so hard with their picks and shovels to dig out turned to quicksand when the Long Pond waters reached it, and the whole bank was giving way. The diggers quickly realized what was happening and the danger it meant. The Pond was giving way, the stream was turning into a raging river, growing wider and wider as they watched with horror and disbelief.

Tip #4: Don’t take anything for granted. Even your best laid plans may go awry. Don’t be surprised when life throws something new at you. Rise to the challenge!

They sprung into action, hauled the log rider out of the rushing water in the nick of time by the hair on this head, and quickly considered the consequences. The miller’s wife, back at that mill—she would surely be swept to her death when all this water reached her. The miller’s husband set off running, but the men knew he would never make it. The men called him back, and started hollering for the fastest runner to go. His name was Spencer Chamberlain, and the call went out: “Run, Chamberlain, Run!”

Spencer Chamberlain was a tall, muscular man of 24, known for his strength and speed (which everyone attributed to the fact that he was part Indian.)  He took off running along the waters toward the mill, which was 5 miles north. He was able to get ahead of the rush when the trees that the waters uprooted got tangled up and created dams between the banks of the valleys and it took a while for the force of the water to break through, or when the water spread out in the flat places. In his mad rush, he lost his coat and hat. (Legend has it that he once to stopped at a home along the ridge and wolfed down a pie, and that another time he stopped for a swig of whiskey.) He reached the mill seconds before the water did, pulling the miller’s wife to safety.

Tip #5: Be brave. Be strong. Do not cower when dangers threaten. Do what you think you cannot do. Protect each other. Never turn down a piece of pie.

By nightfall, the waters had traveled in a torrent all the way to Lake Memphremagog, 26 miles away. People hearing the thunderous noise of the waters had thought it was the arrival of Judgment Day, and one preacher’s wife had taken to her bed and pulled the covers up to await death.  Along the way, one horse and some sheep had been swept to their death, several mills had been wiped out, but, miraculously, no people had been killed. The path the waters took had cleared a swath all the way to Newport, littered here and there with piles of uprooted trees.

Even though we always hear “What doesn’t kill you will make your stronger,” reports say that Spencer Chamberlain, though he did live 40 more years,  never did regain his level of strength again; the run had permanently damaged his lungs.
 
Tip #6: Be careful. What you say and do could be more powerful than you ever dreamed. Tread gently with each other’s feelings.

Years went by. The people of Glover came to think of the letting out of Long Pond not only as the “Wonderful Casualty” it had first been called, but as an event that brought some good things. The rushing waters had left behind lots of toppled trees and dirt and filled the swampy lands between the Glover hills. People thought the valley would now be a good place to live, and they moved down from the hills; fourteen years later, Glover village had sprung up.

Tip #7: Look for the silver lining. Grow from all the challenges you meet and rocky places you will travel. May the forces of love and caring that have brought you together sustain you in all the years to come and may your love endure. May the story of your love last through the centuries just as this story of Runaway Pond has.

Now, let’s leave the history of this place and make some new history! Diane and Elwin, you have written your own vows that you will now speak to each other.

VOWS:

Today, in this special place where the landscape and waterways were long ago forever changed by Man, let us pledge to forever change our lives together. Let this day be the beginning of our new world.

It makes sense to us that a piece of paper declaring a union is not the power of our binding tie. That power lies in our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our souls.

Our definition of love will be the ‘perfection of differences.’ And we will perfect our differences, over and over again, through the rest of our lives together.

We will never intentionally hurt each other, and we will be sad when we unintentionally do so. We will guard our permanence and protect our union, our freedoms, our strengths and our vulnerabilities. We will take care of each other.

We are afflicted with love, and today we vow to cure this by living in the words of the poet: “The only remedy for love, is to love more.”

And … we will laugh. We will have rhythm. And music, lots of music. And when our days together are done, the one who still lives will rejoice in the love we lived, not bemoan the love lost.

Today, we pledge ourselves to be joined forever as best friends, as only lovers, as wife and husband.

SO RUN, CHAMBERLAIN, RUN!!!!

-------------


By the authority vested in me by the State of Vermont, I now pronounce you husband and wife.