tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29385791329945491562024-03-05T13:13:52.503-05:00*B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.comBlogger178125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-50900284623537778862019-09-18T19:37:00.000-04:002019-09-19T06:36:36.822-04:00ASPEN DENTAL MENTAL FLOSSED<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Office
Manager<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCW78pYbvbs1TofYbXp2r5q8TpmD9g419v_E7VSdcUF0A9QJRBjzaAakHPExWPguaKVbwVesH9SVPruoSr4aeN_hPYzQoMvrZmlbtDldEZO-etxI7q90KoaqVCHD-WjV3M6yZh5CUYfSQ/s1600/fangs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="290" data-original-width="301" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCW78pYbvbs1TofYbXp2r5q8TpmD9g419v_E7VSdcUF0A9QJRBjzaAakHPExWPguaKVbwVesH9SVPruoSr4aeN_hPYzQoMvrZmlbtDldEZO-etxI7q90KoaqVCHD-WjV3M6yZh5CUYfSQ/s200/fangs.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">ASPEN
DENTAL<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">257
North Plainfield Road<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">W.
Lebanon, NH 03784<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Dear Aspen Dental:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I’m writing as a former (and please
note the emphasis on <u>former</u>) customer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Yesterday, 09/17/2019, I went to your
West Lebanon, NH office looking to have my broken dentures repaired. I had no
appointment, but you've always offered "Emergency" and "Walk-Ins
Welcome" as part of your services. In fact, you broadcast it in foot-high
letters on your office windows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Truth in advertising. Uh-huh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">It all goes to hell from there:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I traveled to your office (a 50-mile
round trip for me) because no one would answer the phone when I called at 8:45
a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You advertise your office hours as
8am to 6pm, but apparently not for humans who answer phones. I got a recorded
message, asking me to call back "during office hours." Right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">See the first problem?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Your office hours are 8am to 6pm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I called at 8:45am. No sign of a live
human.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I still left a message requesting
that someone at AD please return my call <u>asap,</u> though I knew it to be
futile. Sure enough, hours later at home, no one had, so I reluctantly drove the
25 miles to your office. And, as of today, incidentally, still no return call
or acknowledgement of mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I arrived to find an
overflowing parking lot, not a space to be had, so I parked two business lots
away and walked back to the office, difficult for me because of reasons I will
cite below.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">And, in the waiting room, not one
available chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Your receptionist, after I explained
my problem, said "Well, there's no way we can help you on 'oral surgery'
day," and was rather glib about it. (Never ceases to amaze me why people
who aren't good with people choose to work in the people business. She needs to
find a widget assembly line job somewhere and avoid any contact with the
public).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Yes, apparently, you schedule all
your oral surgeries for the same day, according to her, so tough luck. I told
her that I'd TRIED to call first, and again, she blew this off and restated how
everyone there (as I could see) was too busy to answer the phones on oral
surgery day. How dumb of me. Why wouldn’t I know that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I’ve watched this evolve over the
long time I’ve been a customer of yours. You’re overbooked. Understaffed.
Overcrowded, inside and out. And, your communications (phone) have become
non-existent. This is so typical of businesses that grow faster than they can
accommodate the needs of their customers. You move into strict profiteering at
the expense of all else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Customer “service” unravels, and
people become names & numbers on paper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Before I left, your flip receptionist
did make an appointment for me for today at 9 a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I arrived today, 09/18/2019, at <u>8:20
a.m</u>., checked in, same receptionist. She took my teeth and disappeared,
returning a minute later to inform me that it would 3 hours before they could
be repaired, and told me what my bill would be (apparently the only thing you
can do in a timely manner is figure what I owe you before you’ve done anything.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">THREE HOURS.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Right about here, you need to know
the following:<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I have Stage Four cancer in my lung,
liver and brain. I am being treated with chemo and radiation. It’s difficult
for me to sit anywhere for very long because of the revolving pains I have and
the medications I’m taking. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I called my wife there in the waiting
room and told her that I’d had enough of Aspen Dental nonsense. I told her that
I was going to ask for my teeth back and get the hell out of there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Your receptionist (who has the
personality of a bottle of hand sanitizer) overheard this, and said “I’ll see
if he can do them sooner,” again disappeared, and returned abruptly with my
unrepaired dentures. “Here they are,” she said, putting them on the desk and
turning away from me. And that was that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">And, for me, that was it. Let’s just
say I took that opportunity to loudly tell her and your rapidly filling-up
waiting room (yes, I made a bit of a scene) just what I thought of Aspen
Dental, its (lack) of customer service, and its overall decline and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>depersonalizations, again so typical of
businesses that plan and act poorly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Oh … and just for seriocomic relief …
whoever was back out of sight in the lab had dipped my dentures in a bitter
solution that caused a wave of nausea when I left the office and put the
partial-partial back in my mouth. I was not informed of this. Was that his idea
of a JOKE? Did he and your snippy receptionist put their pinheads together and
decide to prank this disgruntled (and vocal) customer?? I am still tasting the
effects of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Clearly, to me, it was done
deliberately, as was not informing me of what your techie had done. I can’t
prove it, but I believe it was malicious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Finally, I will now take the
opportunity to report all of this --- on social media, my website, and wherever
I can influence anyone looking for dental services. I have been in the
healthcare business for over 35 years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">In my opinion, you’ve become
corrupted beyond repair. All mouth and no open.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Shame on you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">P.S. Your CEO’s statement: </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">“We’re
big advocates for the patient”</b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> is outright amusing. And, I’ve been reading
the <a href="https://aspen-dental.pissedconsumer.com/review.html#reviews" target="_blank">thousands of lodged complaints</a> and lawsuits against Aspen Dental
online.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Stunning that you’re still in
business.</span></div>
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<u><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Cc: <o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">CEO<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Aspen
Dental Management, Inc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">13,
Ocala Ave<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Jacksonville,
Florida 32220<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-41276376235250877662019-07-04T07:33:00.000-04:002019-07-19T22:42:17.984-04:00HAPPY NO-TRUMP INDEPENDENCE DAY!Today is not
about the megalomania of Donald Trump.<br />
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;">It's about
my great-great-great-great Grandfather Reuben and his Grandfather Samuel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;">Samuel
Sherman lived on a farm in Lisbon, New Hampshire, and served as a private in
Captain Caleb Whitings Company during the American Revolution. He marched on
the alarm of 19 Apr 1775 to Roxbury.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHXOqNNhiIKdDmbhYJmk4i8JbKz3Mvf6_HUcBBGrWuoImlKknZsHXmUpLYN4aSqtRCE84b3baxlPUqWlWrtOPt4XP4f0L-aqa1t-ulEPvdDb8DuGmqX0ZYN0M2mk8IwxMMingSFMh2okk/s1600/SamuelShermanGrave.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="415" data-original-width="251" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHXOqNNhiIKdDmbhYJmk4i8JbKz3Mvf6_HUcBBGrWuoImlKknZsHXmUpLYN4aSqtRCE84b3baxlPUqWlWrtOPt4XP4f0L-aqa1t-ulEPvdDb8DuGmqX0ZYN0M2mk8IwxMMingSFMh2okk/s320/SamuelShermanGrave.jpg" width="192" /></a></div>
<br /><o:p></o:p>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;">At that time
the country was a wilderness. Bears and other wild animals undisputedly held the territory. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;">There was a
great scarcity of provisions among the settlers. Samuel’s grandson Reuben, then
a lad of sixteen, traveled to Barnet, VT through the wilderness, and procured
three pecks of flour, without the sign of a road or anything to guide him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;">When he
arrived almost in sight of home, his dog met him and barked vigorously at some
object in a tall pine, which he discovered to be a bear. Crying lustily, he was heard by his mother, and ordered their family musket, which was
without a lock, with ammunition and a firebrand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;">The boy held
the gun while his brother touched it off with the firebrand and killed the
bear. The body lodged in a fork of the tree, which obliged them to cut it down.
The meat furnished by the bear was a Godsend, and saved the family, with the
flour which the boy had carried ten miles on his shoulder, from starvation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;">Happy Fourth of July, America.</span></div>
<br />
<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-14287948957597099262019-06-15T14:04:00.002-04:002019-06-15T14:04:57.773-04:00HAPPY FATHER'S DAY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3Uwa1gcv424et1XrbyNG8zNHYRf3woro8Q2YTa8i01vlw5iSuP7qnFibg1h9NFjVNGGxT6iQ9pyVaHtzcnYT8lfez2RzFYbWL8MRGRJF2oehmXl9_4OPXypMwq5TMjAOdByd0kHX_D4/s1600/elDadwaterreflect.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1158" data-original-width="492" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3Uwa1gcv424et1XrbyNG8zNHYRf3woro8Q2YTa8i01vlw5iSuP7qnFibg1h9NFjVNGGxT6iQ9pyVaHtzcnYT8lfez2RzFYbWL8MRGRJF2oehmXl9_4OPXypMwq5TMjAOdByd0kHX_D4/s640/elDadwaterreflect.gif" width="270" /></a></div>
<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-72989146942836324722019-05-29T19:06:00.000-04:002019-10-04T22:03:56.348-04:00GRANITE STATE GOOBERNATORIAL<br />
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Governor “Crazy Chris” Sununu<o:p></o:p></div>
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State House<br />
107 North Main Street<br />
Concord, NH 03301<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Dear Crazy:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I know you won’t mind the
disparaging nickname; this is a favorite vehicle of your hero in the White
house: insulting and belittling anyone who won’t get in his lying locksteps.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl-Jo8Jb6uc2R7WDIX6LUSuopTOovZ_pm4Q8lXWHVr24Z0cgV7nMU9PW_YRo1BgfQuofsd68Bb4Wc8R1NVh9nNNEGhnSo0b1zIpdrbTx_2NvTBm8GYHM3lSVxh11Si3_KKdppC4CrZQRc/s1600/Sununuimagebc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="219" data-original-width="282" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl-Jo8Jb6uc2R7WDIX6LUSuopTOovZ_pm4Q8lXWHVr24Z0cgV7nMU9PW_YRo1BgfQuofsd68Bb4Wc8R1NVh9nNNEGhnSo0b1zIpdrbTx_2NvTBm8GYHM3lSVxh11Si3_KKdppC4CrZQRc/s200/Sununuimagebc.jpg" width="200" /></a>Similarly, I’m sure you’ll
appreciate my rendering of your image (I did the same for Trump). When your
interior actions are ugly, distorted and deceitful, your exterior should
reflect that.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But, I’m writing re: Your
recent comments during a Fox interview:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Shame on you.<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s never a surprise to me
when members of your Party favor the interests of the privileged and powerful
versus “the little guy” (usually with a degree of meanness that beggars
explanation), so the apparent glee you expressed when you told your Fox “interviewer”
that you “couldn’t wait” to veto the Paid Family Leave bill … well … that’s par
for the course. Mean. Gutless.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Lest you forget (because Me
The People won’t): when running for governor, you were asked in a debate if you
supported paid family leave, you said “Absolutely.” Liar. (Yes, yes, yes, I’m
sure we took your “absolutely” out of context. Bullpuckey. You lied.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You supported Trump’s pulling
us out of Paris Climate Accord. You refused to join other governors in the
bipartisan US Climate Alliance. You have visited the Trump White House more
than any other governor. Political toady.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, speaking of guts, I also
take great exception to your comment that Donald Trump will win in New
Hampshire because he appeals to the voters here “on a gut level.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wrong-headed, asinine, and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>you certainly don’t speak for me.</u></b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, I do indeed have a
visceral reaction to the criminal who currently occupies our White House, but
it’s on a level that reeks of revulsion. As a native Granite Stater, I’m ashamed,
embarrassed, and disgusted that you occupy our State House.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s stunning to me that
anyone who can think critically, or who can think at all, for that matter,
supports this lying, despicable wretch we have as a president. This is the most
puzzling: clearly you’re not “crazy,” but your actions are. In the end, I don’t
make the distinction. Crazy is as crazy does.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a man, a father, a
husband? Do you have no moral compass? No sense of what’s decent, fair and
just? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-- As a man, apparently, it’s
okay with you to mock the disabled, ridicule the parents of a fallen soldier,
dishonor a true American hero’s (John McCain) sacrifice and suffering for his
country? You admire a man who said that his struggle to avoid getting a
sexually transmitted disease was his "personal Vietnam"? Seriously? That’s
beyond insulting. It’s the mark of an arrogant, sniveling coward.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-- As a father, apparently, it’s okay with you to support a degenerate who called his daughter “hot,” and
said that if she wasn’t his daughter, he’d be dating her. That doesn’t bother
you? Would you say (or even think) such a thing about your own child?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’re not disturbed that
children and babies are wrenched from their parents’ arms --- parents who are
desperate for help and who come here hoping to protect those children from
certain harm? What is WRONG with you? What are YOU made of?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
--And, as a husband,
apparently, you’d have no problem if I greeted your wife by grabbing her in the
crotch? This is the example you set for your sons? Is that how you want them to
grow up in this world? Objectifying and disrespecting and in fact assaulting
women like that?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpT4ia1yD6Biu4TEG71-WFZsw4KevsSYqfoI82UPs1v-2RdH3QYJ6voTyjsftBURXUJhbOzH1I5SUUFVv7YqrgwQw-SpC2K67Fq57VNaiv7XPNWKIgj3z4A_ei1u170L1ql-x4OizuyY8/s1600/TrumpPinch4d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1477" data-original-width="1040" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpT4ia1yD6Biu4TEG71-WFZsw4KevsSYqfoI82UPs1v-2RdH3QYJ6voTyjsftBURXUJhbOzH1I5SUUFVv7YqrgwQw-SpC2K67Fq57VNaiv7XPNWKIgj3z4A_ei1u170L1ql-x4OizuyY8/s200/TrumpPinch4d.jpg" width="140" /></a>HOW can ANYONE support a
Donald Trump without being of this same ilk? In my book, that makes you one
sorry human being, and just plain creepy. And THAT, sir, is MY New Hampshire
gut level.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shame, shame, shame on you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the future, should you
elect to seek reelection, I’ll be doing whatever I can to support your opponent
and to see that you return to (a disgraced) civilian life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u>Update: </u></b>Yes, you’ve just
announced that you’re running for governor again. Here we go!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, just for some seriocomic
aside, I especially liked how gave yourself a $22,000 pay raise the day after
you took office. That’s 18% more than your female predecessor. A true
Republican.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even seriously funnier,
you’ve claimed that you worked for eight years in California as “an
environmental engineer.” Lie. You never earned a professional engineer’s
license in any state. You had an EIT (engineer-in-training) certificate. You
were a subordinate, supervised employee. Amazing how all you guys make things
up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I should say, you
don’t lie, it’s just how you take yourselves out of context.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
B. Elwin Sherman <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
New Hampshire Native, Resident,
Voter<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Registered Independent<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Honorably-Discharged Marine
Veteran<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<b><u>UPDATE: 07/09/2019 </u></b> Now comes news that at an auction/GOP fundraiser, you jokingly offered a copy of your Paid Family Leave bill veto to the highest bidder, adding that from now on you'll just "veto everything." Good work, Crazy Chris. You think that's funny? All it does it continue to show you up as elitist, ugly, and mean-spirited.<br />
<br />
<u style="font-weight: bold;">UPDATE: 07/22/2019</u> In the give-credit where it's due department, I see where you've done the right and true thing by signing SB142, the "period poverty bill," into law. Frankly, I'm shocked, given the fact that nearly <a href="https://legiscan.com/NH/rollcall/SB142/id/861229" target="_blank"><u>every New Hampshire Republican</u> </a>voted against it, and nearly <a href="https://legiscan.com/NH/rollcall/SB142/id/861229" target="_blank"><u>every Democrat for it</u>. </a>Even your words are stupefying.<br />
<br />
This bill requires that all public schools provide free menstrual products -- tampons and pads -- to students at no cost.<br />
<br />
And, you signed it.<br />
<br />
And, you said this: <i>“This legislation is about equality and dignity. SB 142 will help ensure young women in New Hampshire public schools will have the freedom to learn without disruption ― and free of shame, or fear of stigma.”</i><br />
<br />
Almost unbelievable, given your misguided and baffling allegiance to our current misogynistic sexual predator-in-chief, and the fact that almost all your fellow GOP'ers held against it. WHY? I don't trust your motives, and I'll never understand them. WHY? As I've noted in the above posts, you are all (typically) elitist, ugly, mean-spirited and just plain creepy. WHY?<br />
<br />
But, in the end, I don't care. You did the right thing; you said the right thing, and a good thing happened for our young students. Congratulations, Crazy.<br />
<br />
<b><u>UPDATE: 08/10/2019</u> </b>There you go again, Crazy Chris:<br />
<br />
<u>Veto:</u> A bill that would require a 3-day waiting period before the purchase & delivery of a firearm.<br />
<u>Veto:</u> A bill which closes the so-called gun show loophole and requires background checks for virtually all commercial firearms sales or transfers.<br />
<u>Veto:</u> A bill that prohibits carrying a firearm on school property.<br />
<br />
Again, we see who owns you and your Party cohorts (though I really want to mean conspirators).<br />
<br />
Next time someone gets a gun who shouldn't have, next time someone shoots up a school, I will personally consider you an accessory to the murder, mayhem and madness that you seem hellbent to perpetuate. You say you want to protect our "individual freedom"?<br />
<br />
You might start by protecting our lives.<br />
<br />
<u style="font-weight: bold;">UPDATE: 09/08/2019</u> "Sununu Vetoes Bill To Expand Absentee Voting." Yep, there you go again, And, you are now the vetoing-est Governor in NH history. You and your Party know that making voting easier and open insures that Democrats will win. This is how YOU win: You cheat. Lie. Steal. Great parenting skills (of course, your support for the wretched POS in the White House tells us all we need to know about you as a father.) What a sorry legacy to leave: Cheater. Liar. Stealer. Crazy Chris. As a New Hampshirean, I apologize for you every day.<br />
<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-19728713028725450692019-04-24T11:04:00.001-04:002019-04-24T11:04:31.034-04:00ON YOUR BIRD, GET SET ... <div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><b>EVERYONE should have a pigeon head, Quaker Oats, compression stockings, a comfy chair and Harley-wear on their birthday, I always say. Thanks to all for your visits and support of the art(s)!</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><b>El</b></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg49K8u7OSzF_9dsXc8hVSZBFv2Z2SbxV4doufdWn7mJAV5IdZK8Btx2cIs0cKfcRvrrZdhHKZJ2sduV4XwPpLjJK8AWHlXfd6q3p5n2KUIG5huTxs0266F-OTpbZa8bpgDK1qDbe9P8D4/s1600/Elpigeon2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="831" data-original-width="761" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg49K8u7OSzF_9dsXc8hVSZBFv2Z2SbxV4doufdWn7mJAV5IdZK8Btx2cIs0cKfcRvrrZdhHKZJ2sduV4XwPpLjJK8AWHlXfd6q3p5n2KUIG5huTxs0266F-OTpbZa8bpgDK1qDbe9P8D4/s320/Elpigeon2.jpg" width="293" /></a></div>
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-70166660441468359992019-04-18T09:26:00.000-04:002019-04-18T09:32:28.124-04:00POETRY BREAK -- "The Comparison Study"<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir0t576DCMfojk5Tz0FTnaodhvE5tIa2VQ3UTYtscr-g3_guMY5_YIXR3dHS5MZmmJJ9omZ7pUc8iF5LqtH1Wwnm8u3iePM8-TLT3PspvtHKvEW-YR68t12nrwOk_fw_lxpL7g9tBU-Mw/s1600/diocieninteriorpicrework010717.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="958" data-original-width="920" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir0t576DCMfojk5Tz0FTnaodhvE5tIa2VQ3UTYtscr-g3_guMY5_YIXR3dHS5MZmmJJ9omZ7pUc8iF5LqtH1Wwnm8u3iePM8-TLT3PspvtHKvEW-YR68t12nrwOk_fw_lxpL7g9tBU-Mw/s320/diocieninteriorpicrework010717.jpg" width="307" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><b><u>THE COMPARISON STUDY</u></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">How else could she say it with
appropriate fuego?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Until their passions met,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">she’d never
loved and laughed so hard,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">so soft, or felt so adored and amused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">But, yesterday he asked her:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">"Do you love raisins as much as I
do?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">That sent her into an existential
tailspin,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">wondering again if she could ever again<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">know another man’s love without
comparing it<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">to what she’d put into</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">and taken out of
her affairs with others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">She must allow it instead to float free,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">without judgment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The quiet and gentle, the passionate and
sensual,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">the tough and gnarly, the fun and
exuberant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">That’s how she answered him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">But, today he hit her with another one:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">“Is it hot in here, or is it me?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">“It’s you,” she immediately replied, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">sick of all his endless introspection,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">and it wasn’t well-received.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Not the answer he’d wanted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">He’d wanted a flopsweat camaraderie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">She’ll now put it to her readers:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">“Do you love raisins as much as I do?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">She can only hope you love poems<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">ending with grapes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">----</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">From <a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" target="_blank">"THE DIOECIANS -- His And Her Love"</a>. Copyright 2017 B. Elwin Sherman. Used here with permission. </span></div>
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-54136273601413538752019-01-28T07:07:00.000-05:002019-01-28T07:07:14.211-05:00FUNNY AS CANCER<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> Without
researching it, I’ll bet that cancer in Colorado is no funnier than cancer in New
Hampshire, but I can only speak for the Granite State and my lung tumor.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvHblIegMc4-MH1Xqz3F18JnKYnKtIlvHvxyOgzFFc3k5FV7DVPK23iufR_ne-OduKdQFnmFGQA-AEZRHJvrJuKStOyRd6oj9xwiWQ2uehe7AIn_Ok81E6XBoa5Gua3Eil1TXRg1qcfQs/s1600/FunnyAsCancerFebruary2019toonNHM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="423" data-original-width="700" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvHblIegMc4-MH1Xqz3F18JnKYnKtIlvHvxyOgzFFc3k5FV7DVPK23iufR_ne-OduKdQFnmFGQA-AEZRHJvrJuKStOyRd6oj9xwiWQ2uehe7AIn_Ok81E6XBoa5Gua3Eil1TXRg1qcfQs/s320/FunnyAsCancerFebruary2019toonNHM.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> Google reveals that no one living here
has ever said: “as funny as cancer in New Hampshire.” That’s why I must say it
now, living and writing as your native nurse humorist-tumorist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> The ER doc unceremoniously said:
“You have a mass on your lung.” With an inspired aplomb that only a New
Englander would appreciate, I said: “I’m assuming you don’t mean
Massachusetts.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> Bang. Pow. Zoom. (I’m reserving
exclamation points for the first finale of my second act, and that’s my first
living with cancer in New Hampshire inside joke).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> When I heard my diagnosis, the words
“Live Free or Die” shifted from the affairs of my state to my state of affairs,
and immediately became my adopted up close and personal motto. I felt like a rock-tumbled
Old Man of the Valley as an internal voice interrupted my shock: “Wait. Could
you spare a minute for mortality?” Why, yes, I could but---<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> Funny as cancer?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> My training and thirty-five-year career
as a bedside care nurse taught me that humor is as essential to healing as not getting
there is from here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> I had cancer, so I did what only a
New Hampshirite would do: started a wicked pissah cancer blog, made a
Fluffernutter and washed it down with a frappe. Massachusettsans will claim the
latter as theirs, but they do things like that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> I then began searching my muse for
the lighter side of what I knew would be hauling a heavy load down a long road.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> I’ve attended many patients with
cancer, so I know the lie of its rugged landscape and many perils. But, when it’s
MY trip as amateur pilot, not professional navigator? Funny as cancer? Here, in
a state where freedom or death is a mandate? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> Yes. <i>Especially</i> here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> First chore? Name my tumor. Men do
this. We personalize our body parts and functions, errant and otherwise, and
women will never understand it, beginning with the otherwise devoted wife lying
next to me. She thinks it’s weird.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> I needed both radiation and
chemotherapy, so I came up with “Rad Chemo.” Great moniker for a body-ambushing
villain, and it kept with our New Hampshire tradition of seriously naming funny
locales:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> My sympathies and apologies to the
residents of Effingham, who undoubtedly live with a year-round tongue-in-cheek
at the ready for any inquiring tourists. Effingham has always sounded to me
like something expletively done to a ham.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> Or, when you think Kanca, is it suffixed
with Mangus or Magus? Forever funny, and even we can’t decide.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> I was also inspired by other
typically New Hampshire seriously funny things: Squirrel-proof birdfeeders (ha!),
no-see-ums, wearing shorts with winter coats, and no-faultlessly driving unlicensed
but self-designated road-legal snowmobiles, golf carts and riding mowers to the
winter carnivals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;">When I began my radiation, I found
the spirit of our White Mountain State humor alive and free at Dartmouth-Hitchcock
hospital, when they snugged me up and into my treatment table mold with Rad
Chemo. I felt like a human skewer hosting a hitchhiking saboteur kabob on a
stationary spit as the linear accelerator rotated around us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> The “Radionettes” (the techs I’d
so-dubbed because they knew my musical likes and dark sense of humor), played
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” through the overhead speakers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria",serif;"> No, you can’t, but if you try
sometimes, you just might find, you get what we need.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">----</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">Illustration by </span><a href="http://www.bradfitzpatrick.com/" style="font-family: cambria, serif;" target="_blank">Brad Fitzpatrick. </a><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">This column is appearing in the February 2019 issue of <a href="https://www.nhmagazine.com/February-2019/Funny-As-Cancer/?fbclid=IwAR00YrlfI1yVEFkX-o15rsEDkyDq_eoW6MhRqULAaMa7hzpEfCE2yRKJYPk" target="_blank">New Hampshire Magazine.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS – His and Her Love“</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">. C</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">opyright 2019. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span></span></div>
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B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-29003769626163005542018-12-27T17:28:00.001-05:002018-12-28T15:03:32.638-05:00B. ELWIN SHERMAN -- AS TIME GOES BY<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes, it's about the music.
When I got cancer this year, I took up with the keyboard again after years of neglect. As I reorient to reading and muscle memory, I've been clunking along with some of my favorites. I'm a sucker for the iconic jazz/pop Classics. If you can hear past my wannabe piano bar/tip jar mindset and stumbly treatments, I'll keep practicing. Enjoy!</span></div>
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xVRpxI8CvBE" width="380"></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><i><b>For my Dad, Alger Sherman: piano barman extraordinaire,</b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><i><b> who could play everything. </b></i></span></div>
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-13951983883671430362018-12-25T04:22:00.000-05:002018-12-25T18:07:30.745-05:00MERRY CHRISTMAS!<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and to all a good ride!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Love, El and Di, son Gabe, and dahlin' daughter <a href="http://artsfest.us/historydirectors" target="_blank">Erin Lovett Sherman</a> and grandsons Myles and Bodhi!</span></div>
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B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-3787170078025434792018-11-13T08:29:00.000-05:002019-02-25T23:28:29.713-05:00BUILDING A WINTER FALL<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I’m not here to debate changes
in the global environment. Let’s just
say that this past spring was the first time I can remember riding the Harley
in 80-degree weather, and the following week I was mowing the lawn, and the
week after that I was shoveling 14 inches of snow.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Not really that unusual for <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:state w:st="on">New Hampshire</st1:state></st1:place>, where “nine months of winter
and three months of poor tobogganing” has long been the mantra.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> That does bring us to what we won’t debate: the difference between weather and
climate. We can all agree that weather
is the six inches of partly cloudy in our basements, and climate is when it’s
in our attics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Those of us who began as children and stubbornly refuse to
give up those origins, all have stories about the “normal” outdoor seasonal
conditions when we were kids. “When I
was a kid,” I would say, “the snowbanks were up to the window sills.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> “When you were a kid,” my mother reminded me, “you never
came out of the basement.” Funny,
because I remember it as the attic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> There was once a TV show called “The Imploders.” For me and my off-season sense of humor, this
may have been the most unintentionally hilarious reality program ever produced,
as I watched a family of “demolition experts” travel around the country and
“bring down buildings.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> They didn’t employ the usual bang-boom application used to
pancake an obsolete structure, but rather the “tripping” method. Here, the building is weakened by cutting
holes in it, (no one in the crew could agree on how many were needed) tying a
cable to it and pulling it over. Simple
enough. Right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> The crew chief, whose knowledge of building-pulling was
seemingly based on his frat house prank days of attempting to stuff a grand
piano into an occupied shower stall, then said to the guy operating the building-puller: “Hey! If she starts to go, get out of there!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> (Warning: When someone needs to tell or be told this, they
might need another year of postsecondary bathroom piano-stuffing before they
start knocking down buildings using methods and forces that could … well …
knock down a building.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> They used this scientific method of wreckification on an
old paper mill near here in the North Country, and we locals were there to
watch the spectacle and re-live their attic-dwelling childhood roots.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> When the time came, I watched them give it a mighty non-explosive
heave and, voila! It shuddered a little
and stood there. Someone, apparently,
had forgotten to make the pressure-relieving cuts in the back, and the
resulting tug was like trying to raise the Titanic with a Slinky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> This is where I stand with weather forecasters and climate
change experts. Their collective
expertise alternately tells us that we’re either in for a light sprinkle or a
re-enactment of Noah’s maiden voyage. This usually translates as a foot of snow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"> Who should we believe? Should we entrust our Icelandic retirement plans to an “expert” who says
things like “inter-glacial warmth is driven by orbital mechanics”? Or, should we accept that if we wait long enough,
we’ll be low & dry because of the old <st1:place w:st="on">New England</st1:place>
salt’s riposte, when asked if it will ever stop raining:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> “Always has.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> One scientist says that “we should not stop breathing, even
though it would be one of the most immediate steps to slow CO2 emissions.” I do love egghead humor, but I’m not
convinced he was trying to be funny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Or, as the well-seasoned <st1:place w:st="on">North Country</st1:place>
sage would offer, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I think I’m going with the time-tested building destructor’s
code: “If she starts to go, get out of there!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I’m not sure where “there” will be, but if any of us hope
to make it from here, we should pack up our umbrellas and our sunscreens and
head way up northeast, just south of the western skyline.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Either that, or it’s back to the winterized subterranean attics
of long-past summers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS – His and Her Love“</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">. C</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">opyright 2018. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span></span></div>
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B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-27963315347204366512018-10-01T11:01:00.000-04:002018-10-01T11:01:34.179-04:00MEET YOU BACK AT HINDQUARTERS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk525622787;"><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: cambria, serif;">I live in the New Hampshire boonies, and every late
summer and fall it’s possible to spend months full of weekends doing nothing
but hopping the archipelago of Country Fairs. </span><span style="font-family: cambria, serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: cambria, serif;">All one needs is a lawn chair, sensible shoes,
an appetite and the intestinal fortitude for steamed burgers, dogs and fried
dough.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> Upon arrival, prepare to wait for a moment above the
fairgrounds in a high pasture parking lot, as two retired firemen in red vests,
blue hats, and wielding orange batons argue over whether you should “back in
heah” or “head in over theah” to that gap in the stone wall.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> Be patient. </span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">This
is just an extension of the lifelong arguments they’ve had over checkerboard
strategies and tractor maintenance, and when they’re through you’ll end up
wedged in an impossible parallel park by the rock maples anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">Urban street smarts will serve you no good here; these
are country folk. At the ribbon awards for “Best Udder,” the qualitative and
quantitative differences in cow udders may be lost on you, but to the dairy farmer
who has bag-balmed Bessie’s undercarriage all year, it’s his milk, butter and
crop of the cream.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> On to the live music. If <a href="http://www.rickandtheramblers.com/" target="_blank">Rick Norcross and TheRamblers’ </a>country boogie rendition of “Paint It Like A Cow” doesn’t give you
happy feet, you’ve been sitting too long in the concrete jungle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> Don’t pass up The Pork Chop Revue, where you’ll see a
50-pound, five-year old boy onstage singing “Popeye The Sailor Man,” with an
800-pound pig. Thus:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk525622787;"><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> Boy with microphone: “I’m Popeye the sailor man.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk525622787;"><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> Big pig singing into microphone held by boy: “Toot-Snort.”</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> If you couldn’t justify the price of admission and the
shoehorned parking place up to then, that alone should do it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> N</span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">o Fair is complete without the carnival rides and midway.
Here, you’ll fill up on cotton candy, snow cones and candied apples. Lady Luck
might also find you winning a giant stuffed pink duck, your prize after you
finally succeed in hooking an eight-inch basketball through a seven- and
three-quarter-inch hoop.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> It can be done, and it will seem like a bargain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> The rides: Here you’ll be launched above the treetops,
slungshot and whiplashed silly while strapped in a human bird cage. Momentarily
upended at the top of one perfectly-named ride known as “The Zipper,” you’ll
catch a glimpse of your vehicle on the hill being completely blocked in by a
horse trailer.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> At the ox-pulling contest, you’ll witness two sweaty guys
each the size of your car, backing up two yoked animals each the size of your
garage, tethering them onto a concrete sled, and upon a cue known only to this
team of man and beast, prompting them to haul it a designated distance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> My favorite was the young man who stood between these
tensing, hoofed freight trains and eyeballed them into submission, freezing
them stock-still in the ancient power of his hypnotic, bovine whammy, then
leapt out of the lane, snapped his whip, and whoop-hollered them to the winning
pull.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> Before the sun sets beneath the tilting row of portable
potties, and after you’ve seen your first Sheep Obstacle Course and more jams,
hams and quilts than you can stick a Shaker at, it will dawn on you, too:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> The Country Fair is not just kids living grown-up dreams
or oldsters reliving glory days --- it is the patchwork of life, and the best
we can be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> At the end of it, if you can find your car and get out of
theah from heah, I’ll meet you back at hindquarters.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"> Fair enough.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">----</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">Illustration by </span><a href="http://www.bradfitzpatrick.com/" style="font-family: cambria, serif;" target="_blank">Brad Fitzpatrick. </a><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;">This column first appeared in <a href="https://www.nhmagazine.com/" target="_blank">New Hampshire Magazine</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS – His and Her Love“</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">. C</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">opyright 2018. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-73462232859202234622018-08-31T09:31:00.000-04:002018-08-31T09:31:27.999-04:00ULTRACREPIDARIANS ANONYMOUS<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-autospace: ideograph-numeric ideograph-other;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Long
time, no posting.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could complicate things by
explaining and/or excusing why I’ve neglected this space since June, but let’s
go with the simple:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got cancer.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, because the only time I can abide
duplicity is with cookies and rollercoasters, I’ll just direct you to where I
have applied the muse since then, at <a href="http://www.mycancerdomain.com/" target="_blank">my cancer blog.</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On this day, August 31, 2018, I’m just
on the other side of completing weeks of chemotherapy and radiation treatments.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are in any way connected with this
disease --- family, friends, even yourself --- I think you’ll find the <a href="http://www.mycancerdomain.com/" target="_blank">daily reportage</a> on my blog helpful, if not informative, and dare I say it, even
entertaining (I am an incorrigible humorist, after all).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll leave it there for you to explore.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meanwhile, let’s revisit some chestnuts
that still ring fun, funny and true. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hey! Dave Barry makes a living recycling
ten-year old humor columns. Good enough for Dave, good enough for a cancerous
fellow funster.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Enjoy both spaces, here and <a href="http://www.mycancerdomain.com/" target="_blank">there</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All best, El<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
P.S.
Okay, okay … cookies, rollercoasters AND past humor columns. That ought to do it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
* * * * *</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>ULTRACREPIDARIANS ANONYMOUS</b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I knew there was another noun to
describe me:<br />
<br />
Ultracrepidarian. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Don’t run away, I had to look
it up, too. I just needed a label for this tendency of mine to sometimes
operate away from my area of expertise. The word means: “a person out of his or
her element.” I’m by no means a consummate Ultracrep; I do know my limits in
most things. But, I wrote the Ultracrepidarian Bible when it comes to one field
of endeavor: the Mr. Fix-It home front.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
For this outing only, we will
cover excerpts from Genesis and Prophecies:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the beginning, Man created
machines and machine parts. And the machines ran smoothly until they broke, and
the machine parts were called upon to fill the void, and this is where I got
into trouble.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And Man said: “Let there be a
connection between machines and machine parts,” and I’ve been looking for it
ever since.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And the partner of Man said: “Honey,
don’t bother about that old lawnmower, it’s time to replace it, anyway.” And
the man said: “What, are you kidding? I can fix that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And the Man’s partner rolled her
eyes and became mute and dark, smug in her unspoken prediction.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And on the second day, cast out
from the lawn and garden, the lurching, smoking, three-wheeled grasscutter was
brought forth to the scrap metal pile in the Garden of Landfill as prophesized
by the partner’s silent treatment, followed by a gathering together of man and partner in the Land of Outdoor Tools in Eastern Wal-Mart. Amen.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
This is not all my fault.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I am equipped with the
temperamental curve of a scientific poet, one who at once believes the
mysteries of tree rings and bone structures can be finite blueprints, while
sump pumps sometimes require exorcism along with priming. Hence the limping,
spitting lawn machine that, despite my earnest tinkering with recycled sinktrap
parts, became a pouting recluse in a combustible cave.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Now, hold on, I’m not dumb to
the nomenclature and workings of machines; I’m just stuck with this idea that
nothing mechanical works entirely right without a dash of body English and a
pinch of “Go baby go!” Conversely, feeling blue must have some roots in a
dysfunctional thyroid.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
The mathematics of freshly
baked bread. The tantrums of my truck transmission.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
If I investigated the inner
workings of a toilet tank, I could tell you, coil and spring, and in strict,
structural terms, why in fact the “jiggling the handle” remedy is effective.
But, even then, were I to pass on the procedure to a novice flusher, I’d have
to add, “No, here, see it’s all in the wrist."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
This dooms me to forever
suffer from two infernal conclusions:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
1. The exact same amount of flour,
sugar, oil, salt and yeast mixed, kneaded, risen, greased and baked in the
exact same pans, oven and temperature will always yield slightly different
loaves.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
2. Pounding a steering wheel
will sometimes start a cold engine.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And lo, the shivering crankcase
brought forth the hissy fit parallelogram, which begat the incontinent
sinktrap, which begat the asymmetrical tulip bed, which begat the bipolar
lawnmower.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
In his poem, “All Watched Over
By Machines Of Loving Grace,” Richard Brautigan wrote:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-autospace: ideograph-numeric ideograph-other;">
<b><i>I like to think of a cybernetic forest</i></b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-autospace: ideograph-numeric ideograph-other;">
<b><i>filled with pines and electronics</i></b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-autospace: ideograph-numeric ideograph-other;">
<b><i>where deer stroll peacefully past
computers</i></b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-autospace: ideograph-numeric ideograph-other;">
<b><i>as if they were flowers with spinning
blossoms.</i></b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And Man looked ahead and said, “Let
us move into snow season as our conspiratorial snowblowers lurk in the shed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And Man’s partner said, “Woe
be unto us, should the toilet water rise or the bread collapse."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And life was
good. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">* * * * *</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS – His and Her Love“</a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">. C</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">opyright 2018. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span>B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-39723272084655856322018-06-02T15:56:00.001-04:002018-06-02T15:59:16.806-04:00HARLEY WHITE CANE<div style="text-align: center;">
Somewhere out beyond bucket lists and prescriptions ... </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/sMmKk4tRkyA" width="390"></iframe></div>
B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-59511831103662728892018-05-07T08:22:00.001-04:002019-02-26T00:08:16.623-05:00EVERYTHING LOVE IS OLD AGAIN<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6hdUsrBZfvED5zNoDo8yXxRVHqW3B1bbf7uCXsY_jeOqXI7176UdkLgCMtH8Y-zzzzQXhplZoM7U8d1Lqv-HwyHXjIAzFhWoDI2ifgvMg3FMF9OsFN3NxTDdZ8qiAwCgYmB97dBviyx0/s1600/NanaSherman2bc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="476" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6hdUsrBZfvED5zNoDo8yXxRVHqW3B1bbf7uCXsY_jeOqXI7176UdkLgCMtH8Y-zzzzQXhplZoM7U8d1Lqv-HwyHXjIAzFhWoDI2ifgvMg3FMF9OsFN3NxTDdZ8qiAwCgYmB97dBviyx0/s200/NanaSherman2bc.jpg" width="158" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="text-align: justify;"> Before
you meet Annie, I must set the stage.</span><span style="text-align: justify;">
</span><span style="text-align: justify;">No better way than to give you a gift from long ago.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
Let's look at some rules of etiquette from "<i>The Treasury Of Useful And
Entertaining Knowledge</i>," compiled by Nugent Robinson in 1882, given
here as they were written. If we're not
careful, (and, if we're lucky) everything love might become old again.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<o:p><br /></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>In 1882:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>LADIES:<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Visits should be short. Beware of letting your call exceed half an
hour’s length.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s always better to let
your friends regret rather than desire your withdrawal.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the morning, limit your jewelry to a
brooch, gold chain, and watch. Your
diamonds and pearls are as much out of place in the morning as a wreath.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dressing well is a duty every lady owes to
society, but make it not your idol. Fashion is made for woman, not woman for fashion.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When entertaining, try to suit your music to
your company. A Beethoven solo is as
much out of place in some circles as a comic song at a Quaker’s meeting.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon entering the carriage, if you are going
to take the seat facing the horses, go in such a way as to drop into it at
once.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>GENTLEMEN:<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are on horseback and wish to converse
with a lady who is on foot, dismount and lead your horse, so as not to cause
her fatigue in looking up to your level.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A man should always be so well dressed that
his clothes shall never be observed at all. Perfect simplicity is perfect elegance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let a wise man seek to be appreciated for something of higher worth than
the studs on his shirt or the trinkets on his chain.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When eating or drinking, avoid every kind of
audible testimony to the fact.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Use your handkerchief noiselessly; do not
blow your nose as if it were a trombone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a man be a bachelor giving a dinner, he
had better do so at a good hotel.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
This
brings us to Annie, a centenarian pearl who arrived on earth in an era when
women knew when to leave and men knew when (and where) to stay.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
In
her lifetime, Annie has traveled the world. She’s made her bones as a dancer, sculptor, photographer and poet. She continues to write poetry, and gives
readings to her fellow artificial hipsters in the nursing home where she still
tends to most of her own needs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
She
climbs aboard her electric cart and zips around the complex, running in the
fast lane past the walkers and quad canes. There has been talk about either revoking her buggy license or
installing speed bumps in the hallways.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
Though
she accepts it, she thinks it silly that her children never visit her. “They’re in their eighties, you know, and
don’t get around like they used to,” she says, her bright eyes shining. " Upon
her reaching the century mark, I asked her how she’d done it. She must have learned something special, and
practiced some secret formula for living that had carried her so far. What had she done, or not done, to have lived
so long?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
She
just looked at me, astonished that anyone would ask such a thing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
“Don’t
die, you damn fool,” she said, winking.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
We
both laughed, and she went on to explain:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
“No,
I mean use all the tools you have, play all the instruments in your orchestra,
switch to other gears, do whatever you have to do to keep going. When the world goes mute, stick in a hearing
aid and turn up the music. When you
can’t smell, look at the colors and shapes of things. When you can’t taste, pour on the sugar. When you can’t see, get a looking
glass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you can’t play the notes ---
sing ‘em!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Sounds
too simple,” I said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
“It
is. Don’t be a melon head. When your body goes, use your mind. When your mind goes, use your soul. When your soul goes, get on with the next
life. Just keep <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">living.</i></b>”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
She
added one more thing: “And, don’t waste
time. When you can’t walk --- <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">RIDE!”</b> and sped off into her next
hundred years, facing the horses, narrowly missing my toes and leaving me on
the horseback of humility.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
Annie
has an embroidered sign above her bed. It reads: THE OLDER THE VIOLIN,
THE SWEETER THE MUSIC.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
So,
if there is a five-score Romeo out there looking for a tuneful, high-riding
Juliet, have I got a date for you. Be
dapper yet sublime, dress casual, call the Hilton, cue-up the mood music ---
and get down off your horse, you damn fool.<o:p></o:p></div>
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* * * * *<o:p></o:p></div>
Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is <a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS – His and Her Love“</a>. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-85164083404543685022018-03-18T07:53:00.000-04:002018-03-18T07:53:54.009-04:00"DEAR WITBONES" --- Ask A Humorist! <br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> <b>DEAR WITBONES:</b></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> I'm a senior living alone, and
a polio survivor confined to my wheelchair. No complaints there, but I
have two other nagging problems:<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> 1. I need to find a way to dog-hair
proof the wheels. Eventually, it wraps around the axles so badly that it slows
me down.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> 2.
Worse, because of my rolling hairball, when I'm out and about in public, dogs
will follow me around, and sometimes come over and "mark their
territory," if you know what I mean. Later, when I get home, my dog goes
nuts over the smell, and he does the same thing! He's long been house-trained,
but dogs will be dogs. What can I do?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">
---<b>DOGGIE DON’TS IN DENVER<o:p></o:p></b></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">DEAR DOGGIE:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Whenever I’m flummoxed by a submission like yours, I turn
my fieldwork to the home of our collective lowest common denominators. Google.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> I asked: "How do I remove dog hair from wheelchair
wheels?" and I found a chat room with the following answers:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> "I use drain cleaner and a hacksaw."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> "Try a cigarette lighter, CAREFULLY, and it works
fine if you don't mind the smell of burning dog hair." The next comment
took that a step further:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> “Have you tried a blow torch?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Lastly, my favorite: "A very high-powered vacuum
should do it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> I can't help you much with the doggy urine smell problem,
though I did find (again, using my crackerjack research skills) that you could
try an application of tea tree and bergamot oils. I don't know if it works or
not, but someone on the internet said it did, and because they took the time to
write-in about it on a public forum, I'm giving it both a thumbs and paws up.
Maybe you should, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Thanks for Witboning, and please keep me posted. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> <b>DEAR WITBONES:<o:p></o:p></b></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> I am
about to be a remarried woman heading into my late middle-aged years. When I
tell my friends and colleagues that they’ll need to update their address books
with my new last name, I am often asked: (and rather aggressively, too) "WHY
will you change your name?! You don’t have to do that, you know!" It’s
really beginning to bother me. I have a hard time explaining it, and I’m tired
of trying. Can you help me with a response?
<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">--- <b>NOM
DE GROOM IN GARDEN GROVE</b><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> <b> DEAR NOM:</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> You’re
in luck, because I too am “heading into my late middle-aged years” and have
recently remarried. For the record, my wife calls me a “senior junior.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Before
we wed, </span><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">I non-aggressively asked
Diane Lillian Church if she was planning to change her name. She said yes, she
wanted to be Mrs. Sherman. When I asked why, she said “because I want to be.” Reason
enough. I sense that you’ve been giving your friends and colleagues a similar response,
but it’s leaving you peeved and them unsatisfied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> These days, you do have other options besides a complete
birth name surrender and new designation. You could use your maiden name as
your new middle name. Or, in nine states, and yours is one of them, your
husband could change his last name to yours. Or, (my favorite) you could
legally “blend” your names.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> If Diane and I had wanted, we could now be the Churchmans
or the Shmurches, or we could’ve even anagrammed Church/Sherman and re-dubbed
ourselves: Mr. & Mrs. Hunchcharmers. We actually discussed doing the latter
as a way to create exactly the kind of thing you’re trying to avoid. I believe
a little public spectacle on occasion is good for the soul.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> “Hunchcharmers?
Party of two?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Your call.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Thanks for Witboning,and please keep me posted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">DEAR
WITBONES:<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<b><i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> </span></i></b><i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">“My kids are all grown up but they won't
leave home. I thought these would be my Golden Years but I'm still shelling out
money for gas, buying milk by the barrel, and I can't find my phones or remote
control. What can I do?”<b> --- WITLESS IN
WELLS RIVER<o:p></o:p></b></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> <b>DEAR
WITLESS</b>:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> If you’re in your “Golden Years,”
then your kids must still be living at home in their fifties. I’m not surprised
that you’ve finally lost your “remote control,” because that’s obviously the
only kind of control you’ve had for some time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> If your middle-aged offspring
haven’t gotten the hint by now, they never will. At this late date, the only
way left for you to change their lives is by radically changing yours. I’d
suggest the following:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Stop buying groceries and remove
your car battery. Then, start a naked tuba & bagpipes band and have nightly
rehearsals at your house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Fake a few heart attacks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Start talking to dead people at meals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> When you write-in six months from
now complaining that you never see your children anymore, we’ll deal with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"> Thanks for WITBONING, and please
keep me posted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_Hlk507333708"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">----<o:p></o:p></span></a></div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk507333708;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt;">Senior Wire News Service
Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an
author, humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is <a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS – His and Her Love“</a>. You may submit your Witboner via his website at
Witbones.com, or write to P.O. Box 300, Bethlehem, NH<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>03574. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.
Used here with permission.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk490332892;"></span><span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk507333708;"></span>
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-43362309627603442762018-02-10T12:42:00.000-05:002018-02-12T07:38:56.398-05:00THE MISPLAYED PARADE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyrG2VZrI5BnOUGWHyPYBHpfDzH7gpo_f8z5hMlU95Q-Qx5HOpnoFfLbbv0hETy3u5U1LxtRC4ZrMTpenJ9MJuyGEoQ4H7mDjiYHk30T7HxzP1EYi3E5uUnWGzFnsgsU9yhlwPzs6grVg/s1600/ElMarineJuxtapose2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="505" data-original-width="982" height="101" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyrG2VZrI5BnOUGWHyPYBHpfDzH7gpo_f8z5hMlU95Q-Qx5HOpnoFfLbbv0hETy3u5U1LxtRC4ZrMTpenJ9MJuyGEoQ4H7mDjiYHk30T7HxzP1EYi3E5uUnWGzFnsgsU9yhlwPzs6grVg/s200/ElMarineJuxtapose2.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
LETTER TO MY STATE'S CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION (and please write to yours!):</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Dear Senator Jeanne Shaheen, Senator Maggie Hassan, and Representative Ann Kuster:</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Please, if you have anything to do with appropriating any money for Donald's "parade," please, please DON'T.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
In my mind, he's a draft-dodging liar proclaiming he wants this unnecessary display of American might to show "support for our military." Bull puckey.</div>
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<div style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 6px;">
He wants this to puff up his runamok notions of self-importance, his braggadocio, (despite his recent ridiculous claim of being "non braggadocious", and when I heard that, I did a spit-take that covered my monitor with coffee) and --- I can't say it without being crude --- to make a worldwide declaration that he (not our military) has the biggest one of them all.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Generally, he's a sick individual who makes me ashamed and embarrassed for my country.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Specifically, as an honorably discharged Marine, I don't need any lectures on patriotism from this wretched bullying coward.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
PLEASE DON'T support this utter waste of our money. There are hosts of organizations supporting veterans and our families who could better use the estimated 22 million dollars that would otherwise go to this shameful event. The <a href="https://www.blogger.com/"><span id="goog_1939362182"></span>Semper Fi Fund<span id="goog_1939362183"></span></a>, <a href="https://iava.org/" target="_blank">IAVA</a>, the <a href="https://purpleheartfoundation.org/" target="_blank">Purple Heart Foundation</a>, to name a few.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif;"><i>“Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.” --- Shakespeare, from All's Well That Ends Well.</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif;"><i></i></span></div>
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<br />
Thank you.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieCDOlKxK9vB5LanK4KImTKJwStZCf-VRqbyScy9LqFymRUjxmfYtwPePgKqi9Bsu-VBsZEWf_JMw-xuZjzJpWlOqR6VluuQzIe63LLvPuMpQoklPC01OU9ZCisBI4L4De7MjLZSSqCSk/s1600/ttrrbc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="339" data-original-width="389" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieCDOlKxK9vB5LanK4KImTKJwStZCf-VRqbyScy9LqFymRUjxmfYtwPePgKqi9Bsu-VBsZEWf_JMw-xuZjzJpWlOqR6VluuQzIe63LLvPuMpQoklPC01OU9ZCisBI4L4De7MjLZSSqCSk/s200/ttrrbc.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
All the best,<br />
B. Elwin Sherman</div>
</div>
B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-56300799546012275392018-01-01T09:39:00.001-05:002018-01-01T09:39:52.972-05:00HIGH & HAPPY NEW YEAR! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVKkojFShVycAP6cq_qHj7kAMF5wZoACNjhLBJfK8OABI5SQ6tZE0MHpE5-tBgP0n85_lxzq3b4YxV0Fossj8qqsd-sgINj4inSpCXGpanpHrv4_qeMCqKV0NNb7oAlM7egdDWQveMEbU/s1600/ElDiMtWashingtonFeets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="478" data-original-width="529" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVKkojFShVycAP6cq_qHj7kAMF5wZoACNjhLBJfK8OABI5SQ6tZE0MHpE5-tBgP0n85_lxzq3b4YxV0Fossj8qqsd-sgINj4inSpCXGpanpHrv4_qeMCqKV0NNb7oAlM7egdDWQveMEbU/s320/ElDiMtWashingtonFeets.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV6y0LJVWpqgNdRU8jtywqMteda1QvCe9Y7lANii9X58NBm3bU7yE0C9nKMZ8gHTKvlE7QbxgIY_ipIOsYyfMhCB9Aiv00eOz8-gLQK75mdgdXxHsy-fuBuyd7Bp_9_vax4svRH5MXDO8/s1600/ElDiMtWashingtonFaceFace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV6y0LJVWpqgNdRU8jtywqMteda1QvCe9Y7lANii9X58NBm3bU7yE0C9nKMZ8gHTKvlE7QbxgIY_ipIOsYyfMhCB9Aiv00eOz8-gLQK75mdgdXxHsy-fuBuyd7Bp_9_vax4svRH5MXDO8/s200/ElDiMtWashingtonFaceFace.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><br />Happy New Year,<br />From El & Di</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-76210123097638624742017-12-23T16:59:00.000-05:002017-12-23T16:59:54.771-05:00THE LITTLE DOLDRUMMER BOY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">IN THE FOURTH GRADE, I was singled out to
perform 'The Little Drummer Boy' in the Christmas play. Took me this long to
live and rewrite the tribute:</span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">THE LITTLE DOLDRUMMER BOY</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 10.5pt;"><span class="textexposedshow">Come, they told me</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">doldrum a drum-drums.<br />
<span class="textexposedshow">A cold malaise there'll be</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">doldrum a drum-drums.</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">Our hands and feet will freeze</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">all numb a numb-numb.</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">We’ll cough, shiver and sneeze</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">until we succumb,</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">to the doldrums,</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">dumb a dumb-dumb.</span></span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 4.5pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">Or, we’ll warm our toes<br />
our fingers and thumbs.<br />
We’ll drink umbrella drinks<br />
of butters and rums.<br />
We’ll slurp them down wethinks<br />
and sit on our bums,<br />
bum a bum-bums,<br />
bum a bum-bums.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">Shall I pour for you<br />
my rum a rum-rums?<br />
Your butts I'll warm up, too.<br />
Come chum a chum-chums.<br />
We won't care if it's cold<br />
and won't be so glum.<br />
We'll drink 'til winter's old<br />
come spring and then some,<br />
what we become,<br />
Merry Doldrums.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/elwinshumor" style="font-family: cambria, serif; font-size: 14.6667px;" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS –His and Her Love”. </a><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14.6667px;">You may contact him via his website at</span><a href="http://witbones.blogspot.com/p/contact.html" style="font-family: cambria, serif; font-size: 14.6667px;" target="_blank"> Witbones.com.</a><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 14.6667px;"> Copyright 2017. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span></div>
B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-38936423205006672722017-12-13T18:15:00.000-05:002017-12-13T18:15:38.828-05:00KITTEN KINDLES AND PUPPY PUDDLES<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: cambria, serif; font-size: 11pt; text-align: justify;"> If
we were smart, the first thing we’d do every morning is admit how dumb we are.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> No,
not the kind of dumb my dictionary calls: “a lack of intellectual acuity.” That kind of dumb happens when I don’t bring
in the suet birdfeeder at night, and by morning, a herd of bears has trampled
the rhododendrons and twisted the feeder post into an iron pretzel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: cambria, serif; font-size: 11pt;"> Dumb.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> By
the way, when marauding bears collect in a group and savage your birdfeeder
(the latter also known as “a squirrel feeder”), the proper animal collective
noun is “sloth,” not herd. A sloth of bears. I didn’t know that until
researching this column, and that’s the kind of dumb I mean that we need to
revel in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Uninformed.
Unenlightened. Unaware.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Not
the dumb where you know full well that if you don’t bring in the feeder at
night, a passing sloth might flatten the perennials, but you leave it dangling
out there anyway, thinking you’ll outsmart Mother Nature. Dumb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> But,
I didn’t know until venturing here, that said sloth would deprive the “scurry”
of squirrels of their bird food, not to mention the “dissimulation” of birds,
specifically the “party” of blue jays. There, now I suspect there’s also at
least one fun fact you hadn’t known until just now. You are now less dumb than
you were a minute ago, and this may have saved your life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> I
claim this because I once had the privilege of tending to the daily needs of an
old woman. She was old. I mean the kind of old where if she’d been ten years
younger, she’d have looked the same.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> In
one morning conversation we had as I prepared her breakfast, I told her about
the “kneeling moose” I’d seen early this summer (more on this coming up). She
listened, smiled and said: “There, now I won’t die today.” She believed that if she learned at least one
new thing every day, she’d live to see the next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> She
just recently passed away, probably dying on the day that she felt she’d
learned enough. I’ll always have to wonder if she hadn’t known, and might’ve
lived another day, if I’d told her that cats can see ghosts, and when two adult
felines lie immobile and staring at an empty sofa, that’s a “pounce” of cats
probably waiting for the spirit of a visiting dead uncle to yield their
favorite cushions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Thus,
“I’m dumb and I’m proud!” might just be the rallying cry to good health and
longevity. After this sentence, you’ll feel livelier knowing that when you find
what looks like a scattering of thistle seed on your kitchen counter in the
morning and the tell-tale nibblings in your fruit bowl, you’ve been invaded by
a “mischief” of mice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Or,
when you swerve to avoid that cluster of lumbering characters in the road, your
mood will brighten when you realize you had a near-miss with a “prickle” of
porcupines.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Or,
it just might lower your blood pressure and put a spring in your step, now
knowing that when kittens congregate, they do it in a “kindle,” and your
neighbor has a new “puddle” of puppies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Kitten
kindles. Puppy puddles. Say those together three times fast and you’ll be sure
to live another day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> I
don’t know why I’d never known that a moose will drop down on its front knees
to eat. I discovered this on a respite to a remote <st1:state w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">New Hampshire</st1:place></st1:state> cabin, when I saw one assuming
this genuflective feeding posture one late afternoon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> I’ve
spent most of my life in moose country, and when I haven’t been swerving to
miss that highway prickle, I’ve been preventing sloths from gobbling up suet
intended for dissimulating parties but stolen by scurries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> I’d
just never seen a kneeling moose. I’ve watched them eating trees (on their
feet), stepping over guardrails and swimming across ponds. I knew their antlers
could have a six-foot span. I knew they dropped them after mating season and
grew new ones in the spring, thus conserving energy for winter (making them
smarter than some other dumb animals I know).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> I
knew they could eat 100 pounds of lily pads a day. I knew that one of them had
a cartoon sidekick named Rocky. But, I never knew that moose will kneel down to
eat up. Makes perfect sense, of course. On your feet all day and bent
over? Forget kneeling; I’d be lying down
to eat, and often am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> But,
there’s one dumb animal kingdom enigma which never has been and never will be
explained: One goose? Two geese.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> One
moose? Two … moose. I’ve stopped asking
why moose not meese, though I believe it’s forever been an inside joke amongst
our founding lexicographers, and I still feel dumb about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Lastly,
you deserve an extended life bonus just for all this learning: I can tell you
that geese are also clumped together according to activity and habitat. Ever
see geese in flight? You’re looking at a
“skein” of geese. Geese on the water?
You’ve just spotted a “plump.”
Meanwhile, multiple moose standing, swimming, stampeding or
kneeling? Doesn’t matter. Always a
“herd.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> I
don’t ever expect to see a herd of kneeling moose, but if one hobbles into
view, I’m ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Thomas
Edison said: “We don’t know a millionth of one percent about anything.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Now
that we’ve learned that, we’ll have lots of tomorrows to figure out what it all
means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor
Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author,
humorist, agony uncle columnist and poet. His latest book is <a href="http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/elwinshumor" target="_blank">“THE DIOECIANS –His and Her Love”. </a>You may contact him via his website at<a href="http://witbones.blogspot.com/p/contact.html" target="_blank"> Witbones.com.</a>
Copyright 2017. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-6251268352306248142017-12-07T09:46:00.000-05:002017-12-07T09:46:08.996-05:00THE EYES HAVE IT<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUvgyQsbrkUcTpFNJVC_6RX3q5WNvEOS8k4u4ZSKI1JZyUTp2onTd5NFUyRfOo7fx9oleIbXWjvQJeiOS_taa3KkRsxBnejt749xzrB2yk74QprqFCE7qBYiPFGw8VmxuJmqFOJpgLl4o/s1600/IMG_2711c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="746" data-original-width="790" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUvgyQsbrkUcTpFNJVC_6RX3q5WNvEOS8k4u4ZSKI1JZyUTp2onTd5NFUyRfOo7fx9oleIbXWjvQJeiOS_taa3KkRsxBnejt749xzrB2yk74QprqFCE7qBYiPFGw8VmxuJmqFOJpgLl4o/s200/IMG_2711c.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wtCPyaRqao1vEPQ2UQdyZnPtuPeB74MnNXwfpTcvPP0hVySgXQOoMyJgmbV5YyrXMIfyyumEULfEsoQm3Tt1gNKRrZ27QR6wuYqWfEl3De-lEJfvq1DEKrHsSNaTSBzaU-TtM1BJtHk/s1600/ElwinOneEyeRight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wtCPyaRqao1vEPQ2UQdyZnPtuPeB74MnNXwfpTcvPP0hVySgXQOoMyJgmbV5YyrXMIfyyumEULfEsoQm3Tt1gNKRrZ27QR6wuYqWfEl3De-lEJfvq1DEKrHsSNaTSBzaU-TtM1BJtHk/s200/ElwinOneEyeRight.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Kudos to <a href="https://health.usnews.com/doctors/patrick-morhun-73994" target="_blank">Dr. Patrick Morhun</a> and his team at the VA hospital, after my 2nd successful eye surgery. 20-20 vision now, for the first time since boyhood, WITHOUT GLASSES! <br />
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Oh ... and to all those long-ago bullies who took great delight in the "four-eyes" chant? Here's your giant audio-visual raspberry.<br />
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-45108917076529760212017-11-15T08:22:00.000-05:002017-11-18T18:48:38.420-05:00LIFE AND OTHER DIFFICULTIES<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes you're the keyhole.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes you're the key.</div>
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B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-43542854199788145282017-11-11T16:14:00.000-05:002017-11-12T06:28:10.154-05:00HAPPY VETERANS DAY, MINUS ONE <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0iG-uOr66_6fPQKU6gG6Yf2ybv3oXIfZxDSIqmUzjcyGj2w0l9duTa7BRAcIVU5Cs5b0oIsjXkSc3B_QzMlScY6E7Obo6aaMt_shDU6Dj2t0_AN2GwGfwTaZt3fxFtNo4KbrPbap46LA/s1600/DSC08781.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0iG-uOr66_6fPQKU6gG6Yf2ybv3oXIfZxDSIqmUzjcyGj2w0l9duTa7BRAcIVU5Cs5b0oIsjXkSc3B_QzMlScY6E7Obo6aaMt_shDU6Dj2t0_AN2GwGfwTaZt3fxFtNo4KbrPbap46LA/s320/DSC08781.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<i>Revisiting the "yellow footprints," Parris Island, SC</i></div>
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A Happy Veteran's Day to all my brothers- and sisters-in-arms, past & present. I'm sorry that this comes at a time when our current president is "visiting" Vietnam. What a slap in the face to all veterans.</div>
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This wretched chickenhawk, who received multiple deferments from active duty during the time of the Vietnam War for bone spurs in his feet, is now on a "tour" of Vietnam.</div>
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What an outrage.</div>
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What an insult.</div>
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What an embarrassment.</div>
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What a disgrace.</div>
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This is the same man who said:<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 11.88px; font-weight: bold;"> </span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, "Palatino Linotype", Palatino, serif; font-size: 11.88px; font-weight: bold;">"It's my personal Vietnam - I feel like a great and very brave soldier."</i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 11.88px; font-weight: bold;"> --- Donald Trump, speaking about the challenges of his avoiding STD's with multiple women.</span> </div>
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I apologize on behalf of all of us, for the actions of this degenerate-in-chief.</div>
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Meanwhile, a shout-out to all my fellow veterans.</div>
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Thank you for your service.</div>
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-61257994281197716872017-11-10T09:31:00.002-05:002017-11-21T19:49:39.295-05:00FOR "DAG"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
A dedication for my wife Diane's mother</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dagfrid Holm-Hansen Church</span></div>
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Aged 98</div>
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Leaving us on 11/09/17</div>
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RIP</div>
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Dagfrid Church Back Share Email Dagfrid H. Church October 14, 1919¬November 9, 2017 Conway, South Carolina</div>
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Mrs. Dagfrid H. Church, 98, wife of the late Howard B. Church, passed away peacefully Thursday,</div>
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November 9, 2017 at her home, surrounded by her loving family. Born October 14, 1919, in Norway, Mrs. Church was the daughter of the late Osmund Lutzow and Bergliot Pedersen Holm¬Hansen. Her family immigrated to the United States from Norway in 1929.</div>
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Dagfrid and her husband lived in Westport, CT for nearly 50 years before retiring to Conway, SC. She held a Masters Degree in education and a Bachelors Degree in organic chemistry, and was an educator and research scientist. She was an avid tennis player and birder.</div>
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Dagfrid loved gardening, shelling, butterflies, traveling, hiking, and spending time with her family, including Taffy and Sammy Jo. She served as a volunteer at Brookgreen Gardens for over 20 years.</div>
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The family would like to extend special thanks to her dear friends Maggie Tudgay, Clara Elizabeth Brown, James Carl McNeil, Jim and Joy Schroeder, Sallie Crowley and all the Green Hatters.</div>
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Dagfrid's daughters are especially grateful for the loving and compassionate care provided by Home Instead Senior Care and Embrace Hospice.</div>
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Survivors include her daughters, Carol Joanne Church Holm-Hansen of Vollen, Norway, Diane Lillian Sherman of Fairlee, VT, Patricia Gwendolyn Church of Fairfield, CT and Sharon Holm Church of Boston, MA; three siblings, Vebjorn Holm-Hansen of Fairfield, CT, Turid (Trudy) Moore of Corpus Christi, TX, and Osmund Holm-Hansen II of La Jolla, CA; three grandchildren, Courtney Longo, Kim Longo, and Gabriel Church Lambie; one great-grandchild, Vanessa Longo; and many nieces, nephews, and extended family members.</div>
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In lieu of flowers memorial donations may be made to Brookgreen Gardens, 1931 Brookgreen Garden Drive, Murrells Inlet, SC 29576.</div>
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Please sign the online guestbook at <a href="http://www.goldfinchfuneralhome.com/obituaries/Dagfrid-Church/" target="_blank">Goldfinch Funeral Home</a>, Conway Chapel, is serving the family.</div>
B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-64824381675258043862017-10-27T20:08:00.001-04:002017-10-27T20:08:15.779-04:00HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERIN LOVETT-SHERMAN!<div style="text-align: center;">
To my dahling daughter, Erin. Happy Day!</div>
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(Please join her and support</div>
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her performing arts company, below.)</div>
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<a href="http://www.artsfest.us/" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="716" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzaGFyeB4_6gn0gYSf-sarisTHtaf9cp9u1F4xhDkmCd3z1_XYVtI4HIC9nh43c5he9xV9gg9V-ilIZ4LtXKwCkx0SpIst8dm0OKll82mtohvYXgP_BmboK96m2_I6LAGw73flVTg4_vA/s320/ErinHoopsSeashoreb.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;"> Erin Lovett-Sherman, Artistic Director of <a href="http://www.artsfest.us/" target="_blank">ARTSFEST,</a> is a dancer, choreographer, educator, and director. She earned a BFA
from The University of the Arts, and has danced and choreographed for several
dance companies including Group Motion Multi Media Dance Theatre in
Philadelphia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;"> Erin created <a href="http://www.artsfest.us/" target="_blank">ARTSFEST</a> in 1999. Erin teaches
performing arts classes including Aerial Dance and Circus Arts as well as
Musical Theatre and all genres of Dance.
She creates multi-disciplinary work by encouraging collaboration between
artists of all genres and by exploring and celebrating improvisation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;"> Her innovative choreography fuses Hip Hop,
Theatre, Stomp Percussion, Lyrical and Modern Dance. She serves as Artistic Director for the
Wolfeboro Creative Arts Center Summer Theatre in NH. Erin has choreographed over 25 Shows
including Beauty and the Beast, High School Musical, Camp Rock, The Music Man,
Grease and DROOD as well as original productions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">Erin has performed and directed all over the
world including India, Quebec, Russia, Lithuania and throughout the U.S.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">Erin also is the Director of Youth and
Outreach Programming and Circus Arts coach at New England Center for Circus
Arts.</span></div>
B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2938579132994549156.post-84170108659304329822017-10-25T07:21:00.000-04:002017-10-25T07:21:48.368-04:00REGAL EAGLE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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LUCKY CAPTURE of this beauty, taken from a kayak 100 feet away on a remote North Country pond. He was unperturbed, barely paying us beak-service as wildlife interlopers, tolerating the paddle-by below with this backward glance, hardly flapping a feather over our intrusion.</div>
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What a grand creature, and a privileged moment.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: justify;"> Senior Wire News Service Syndicated Humor Columnist B. Elwin Sherman writes from Bethlehem, NH. He is an author, poet, humorist and agony uncle columnist. His latest book is <a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/b-elwin-sherman/the-dioecians-his-and-her-love/paperback/product-23176357.html" target="_blank">"The Dioecians -- His And Her Love."</a> </span><span style="text-align: justify;">You may contact him <a href="http://witbones.blogspot.com/p/contact.html" target="_blank">here</a></span><span style="text-align: justify;"><a href="http://witbones.blogspot.com/p/contact.html" target="_blank"> </a>at <a href="http://witbones.com./">Witbones.com.</a> Copyright 2017. All rights reserved. Used here with permission.</span></span></div>
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<br />B. Elwin Shermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00749512176676942464noreply@blogger.com0