B. Elwin Sherman's WITBONES

Live Free or Cut Bait

2012-02-02T09:24:00.001-05:00

My latest humor column, appearing this month in New Hampshire Magazine. Nurse, anglers (and angling nurses) take notice!

There I was: a New Hampshire traveling male nurse working temporarily in Arizona and visiting Aldo, a brusque, nonagenarian male patient living permanently in a ramshackle house trailer outside Tucson.

A "nonagenarian" is a person who has reached 90-plus years of age. He was brusque because it's impossible to pass nine decades in this life without some crusty in your character, and Aldo was so crusty that if he'd been 10 years older or younger, he'd have looked the same.

We argued all things indigenous to his Grand Canyon State and to my Granite one.They weren't really arguments. One doesn't win arguments with a 94-year old man, not if one is as smart as one thinks one is.

When I arrived he was hunched over on his front porch, sitting on two stacked milk crates, cleaning catfish and dropping the innards into buckets, sorting them by their edible hierarchy. Fish heads here. Fish guts there. Plop. Plop.

My 97-year-old great-grandfather was born and brusquely died in the same Belmont, NH, bed, and spent many of his catfish-cleaning days on such a porch.

Before I checked Aldo's vital signs (which he always thought foolish: "When I'm dead, you'll know it; I'll be paying more attention to you"), I challenged him about his buckets of piecemealed catfish:

"Say, Aldo, whereinheck do you get catfish in a desert? I know where to get them in New Hampshire, but out here?"

"Don't be an idiot," he said, ending the argument.

Fact is, and because he made it clear that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was, there was indeed a nearby desert lake where catfish roamed free, which prompted my next series of losing arguments:

"Well, Aldo, in New Hampshire, when I hike up Mt. Washington, I pass the tree line and come out on top of rocks. Here, when you climb Mt. Lemmon, you go up past rocks and come out in the trees."

"Nature's way," he said, plopping a skin into its designated pail. "Don't be an idiot."

Undaunted, and a little smarter, I pressed on: "I do miss the seasons back home. Out here, it must be hard to tell one from another."

"Only if you look at 'em from back there," he plopped. "Don't be an ---"

Daunted, and a little dumber, I stopped him and tried one more time:

"Now, wait a minute, Aldo. In New Hampshire we take great pride in our state motto, 'Live Free or Die'. It's not just a slogan for a license plate; it's a way of life."

"How's that?" he asked, glancing at my truck. Plop.

"Well, we work hard, our winters are the harsh flipside version of your summers, and we live free."

"You think you're free?" he admonished, wagging the last head of his cut-up catch at my truck. "Try driving back there without that license plate."

Plop.

The next day I skipped his vital signs and we instead went fishing and brusquely argued all things free, bait and alive. NH

Live Free or Cut Bait - NHMagazine.com

Jimmy Tingle for President

2012-01-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

Would You Buy A Used Country From These Guys?

2012-01-28T12:14:00.000-05:00

Hard as I try, I can't get past the images of Mitt (and Newt) as the garishly-suited used car salesmen telling me after a test drive, that "it's supposed to sound like that."

The 374,000-Dollar Pittance

2012-01-18T19:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Mitt: So, you're laughing off $374,000 as "not much." I'd like for you to drop your pants, because I've never seen a pair of crystal balls.

Judy's First "Road Trip"

2012-01-11T15:58:00.000-05:00

HERE'S YOUR DOSE OF INSPIRATION FOR THE DAY. I'm not often speechless, but these images are all the words I need....

Judy Rising From The Heart

2012-01-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

If this doesn't put the flip in your skirt, the dance in your pants, and a tear in your eye, then you can't feel a thing.

The Way Back ....

2011-12-16T16:42:00.000-05:00

JUDY TODAY: Still deeply-sedated, but with slow positive signs: improving hemodynamics and kidney function, and steady, measured post-operative "baby steps". The repaired heart valve is working perfectly, and the plan is to slowly wean her off all the supporting interventions, intubation, et al, within the next few days, as she hopefully continues to compensate. I'll pass along the good vibes, and keep 'em coming! They're working!

Judy, My Love, and Her Indomitable Heart

2011-12-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

"NOTHING SHORT OF MIRACULOUS," said the surgeons this morning, as today Judy fights for her life. The heart valve was successfully repaired, but her heart would simply not pump on its own after 4 attempts to remove her from the heart-lung machine. On the 5th and last attempt ... it began to beat. Today, she remains in critical condition, but with some encouraging signs. I chose this picture to post, taken just before the surgery. Peace, love....victory, and a roomful of thanks to everyone for your positivities! I'll update when I can.

Herman, One Pie With Everything, Please?

2011-12-01T00:35:00.000-05:00

I'M TRYING TO SORT THIS OUT: Herman Cain's popularity & fundraising went up after he was accused of unwanted sexual advances by 4 women, but went down when he was accused of having consensual extramarital sex with 1? So, it's okay to grab the crotch of multiple unwilling grabees, but not one willing one? Well, fucky-fucky-fucky-stan, I'm confused.

"A Dog's Purpose" by W. Bruce Cameron

2011-11-30T20:38:00.000-05:00

PLEASE JOIN ME in supporting this wonderful new work by my fellow humorist/author, W. Bruce Cameron. Publishers Weekly calls it a "tale-wagging, three-hanky boo-hooer," and "delightful fiction." Click HERE to order now from Amazon!

Freddy Jones Band- One World

2011-11-29T00:23:00.000-05:00

ONE WORLD WITHIN, and another sleepless night made worth the awake.

Perspective ....

2011-11-28T01:13:00.000-05:00

After two major surgeries since February, and now facing another, this from my life partner Judy today: "After all that's happened this year, and all that's coming, I'm seeing all the little things in life as big, and all the big things as little."

Insomnia? It's Alright ....

2011-11-27T04:01:00.001-05:00

3:57 a.m., and it's alright, this will get me into my jammies. G'night to all the hangers-on....

And The Anagram For 'Republican' Is 'Crab Lineup'....

2011-11-26T01:22:00.001-05:00

SPEAKER NEWT GINGRICH
Generating Shipwreck

RICK SANTORUM
Tin Sack Rumor

GOVERNOR RICK PERRY
Nervy or prick? Roger!

MITT ROMNEY
Memory Tint

REPRESENTATIVE MICHELE BACHMANN
Vehement, Impenetrable Saccharin

REPRESENTATIVE RON PAUL
Reopen Nuttier Palavers

GOVERNOR JON HUNTSMAN
Gonna Vent John’s Rumor

and my personal favorite:

HERMAN CAIN
I Can Man Her

Attention, Shoppers! Bargains On Cloud Nine!

2011-11-25T10:50:00.001-05:00

JUST AS A SERIOCOMIC ASIDE, THE MANGER BABY JESUS in those department store (made in China) Nativity scenes, is the most shoplifted item in America. That's my last word on the madness of "Black Friday."

Walk Right In, It's Around The Back ...

2011-11-24T10:34:00.000-05:00

Well ... someone had to do it! For all my dirty hippie fellow traveling families and friends, jobbed and jobless, birded and birdless ... You can get anything you want, at la-dee-da, la-do da! Happy Thanksgiving, all!

The Bird Is The Word! Happy Thanksgiving, All.

2011-11-24T03:59:00.002-05:00

Bird Lands

2011-11-23T17:19:00.001-05:00

I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS SAYS THANKSGIVING to me, but it just does. There's just no 'splaining a muse. Have a good bird, everyone! Happy hearts, good health and well-fueled hearths to all!

Even Buddha Can Plagiarize An Old Joke

2011-11-23T02:20:00.000-05:00

THIS FINE OVERBURDENED FELLOW (a close relative of Pinkinhead) has been sitting watchful in our woods for several years. We had a long chat on the eve of the storm. "Think it will ever stop snowing?" I asked. "Always has," he said. Wiseguy.

Mitt Romney In His Own Words (And By His Own Standard)

2011-11-22T20:08:00.000-05:00

All's fair in love and bullshit, Mitt. Right back at you.

Lockup Thanksgiving Turkey ... RAW!

2011-11-21T02:37:00.000-05:00